Dog taxi drivers 'by 2018'

DOGS will be driving taxis within the next five years, it has been claimed.

After the opening of a dog driving school in New Zealand, experts predict that canine cab drivers will soon become the norm.

Animal trainer Stephen Malley said: “Dogs are surprisingly good drivers and their innate aggression is perfect for navigating the streets of London.

“The only obstacles are that dogs are programmed to kill any stranger who gets in a vehicle with them, and will swerve to run over cats.”

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She's in hospital because Prince William has done something dreadful to her

Dear Holly,

I am ecstatic that Kate Middleton is up the duff, mostly because it means that lovely slender tummy of hers is going to become a flaccid sack of stretch marks. Serves her right. Don’t you just love the wonder of pregnancy?



Dear Michelle,

I’m a little bit confused about the whole ‘pregnancy’ thing myself, to be honest. My granny’s always telling me babies are delivered by a stork, but this doesn’t explain why Kate has ended up in hospital. Even a fool must realise she’s in hospital because Prince William has done something dreadful to her. Amanda Sullivan’s mum works in Boots so knows all about that stuff, and she told Amanda that Wills put his penis into Kate’s vagina. None of us know what those things are but I’m guessing they’re fashion accessories. You can probably get a nice vagina from Dorothy Perkins, and no doubt Halfords and Maplins have a decent range of penises of various sizes and functionality. If vaginas are anything like handbags, I expect the current trend is for something oversized and with a chunky zip.

Hope that helps!