Lots of lazy bastards have jobs

THOUSANDS of bone idle people have full-time paid employment, it has emerged.

As the government trumpeted its support for ‘hard workers’, lazy employed people have been left wondering where they stand in all this.

Sales manager Tom Booker said: “I pay my taxes but I certainly don’t work hard.

“Thanks to technology I can do the minimum required amount of work quickly, then spend the remaining six hours looking at music and pornography websites.

“Occasionally I have to give my subordinates a bollocking for behaving exactly as I do, but that’s about as stressful as it gets.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The inference seems to be that unemployed people are ‘shirkers’. But doing a job is often less hassle than trying to get one. Especially if you’re some sort of office manager, which basically amounts to babysitting adults.

“The government also champions people who want to work hard. But these people do not exist.

“Humans like booze, cake, telly and sex. They’re a bit less keen on busting their arses.”

Clever people obsessively bored with royal baby

SELF-STYLED clever people cannot stop expressing their indifference to the royal offspring, it has emerged.

Thousands of columnists, bloggers and people who’ve read Wolf Hall are unable to shut up about how little they care about the forthcoming baby.

Social commentator Nathan Muir said: “Most people don’t realise this, but the royal family is an antiquated, irrelevant institution based on an accident of birth.

“A lot of people claim to be indifferent towards this baby, but trust me, I’m more indifferent than them.

“Also I’m indifferent in a different way. I’m reluctant to say a cleverer way but if you want to think that then fine.”

Columnist Emma Bradford said: “Tonight I’m actually going on The Review Show to describe at length my disinterest in the royal child.

“I’m hoping to crowbar in the word ‘manichean’ so people think that’s how I talk normally.”

Nathan Muir’s girlfriend Carolyn Ryan said: “Nathan was just like this when Lady Diana died. He spent four solid weeks being obsessively uninterested in that.”

Muir responded: “Actually, she was Diana, Princess of Wales when she died. You can’t even get that right and you’re obsessed with the royals.”