Millions Of Couples Given Green Light To Kill Each Other

THE director of public prosecutions will this week unveil new guidelines that will make it easier for couples to plot each other's deaths.

Keir Starmer will outline new rules granting immunity to the partners of vapid, screeching, fat-ankled harridans and windy, flaccid oafs whose greatest achievement is using the 'series link' function on Sky+ while cupping their own scrotum.

The guidelines will set out the basic method for knocking someone unconscious with a heavy saucepan, strapping them to a wheelchair and then hooking them up to an intravenous drip containing vodka and Disprin.

A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service added: "This should keep them nicely comatose while you wheel them into the back of a Transit van and drive them to Zurich.

"When you get there some nice people will give a cursory glance to your forged documents before despatching your liability peacefully and efficiently in a large, white room filled with flowers, bean bags and the lilting strains of Seasons in the Sun."

For those who cannot afford a Transit van the guidelines are expected to set out alternative methods of assisted suicide, including smothering them with a pillow, dropping a piano on their head and chasing them around the garden with a pair of ravenous alligators.

Mr Starmer said: "This is about showing compassion to people who face the devastating situation of slowly watching their loved one turn into a total and utter nightmare who simply has to die."

Tom Logan, director of the assisted suicide campaign group My Wife's a Fucking Cow, said: "I know where I can borrow a couple of really big alligators. This is so over."

Meanwhile Emma Logan, chairwoman of Fat, Bald, Useless Prick, insisted: "It's going to be difficult to drive to an alligator farm when you're locked in the back of a van as it winds its way through the majestic Bernese Oberland en route to your date with destiny.


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Microsoft Offers Students Cut-Price Infuriating Crap

STUDENTS can have Windows 7 irritate the shit out of them for a reduced fee of £30, Microsoft has announced.

The offer is a massive reduction on the standard £80 price tag, but with the same range of state-of-the-art features specifically designed to send you hurtling towards the very brink of violent insanity.

The company said the operating system will be ready to download from 22 October and after clicking through all the user agreements and restarting your system 85 times it should be ready to install unsuccessfully by Christmas.

A Microsoft spokesman said: "This is a great opportunity for young people to claw at their skulls and scream 'no, no, no, I do not want to load any more fucking updates, you utterly horrifying box full of evil' while trying to arrange cups of coffees and study sessions with their new college pals."

The company insisted the offer was a 'helping hand to our next generation of leaders in tough economic times' while industry analysts said it was obviously nothing more than Microsoft's last, desperate attempt to stop Google from culling it like a fattened pig.

Windows 7 has been introduced after Microsoft admitted its Vista operating system was a 'less good product' in what IT experts have described as the most ambitious understatement since the captain of the Titanic reported some slightly damp tablecloths.

IT consultant, Charlie Reeves, added: "Vista was 'less good' in the same way being tortured for three months in Abu Ghraib is 'less good' than a Belgian three-way with Scarlett Johansson and Lindsay Lohan."

Meanwhile first year student Nathan Muir said: "My degree involves desktop publishing, spreadsheets and multimedia presentations, so I'm really looking forward to a hopeless series of meaningless error messages before crying myself to sleep every night."