Missing cat returns with no memory of lost days

A CAT that has returned to its owners after spending a week missing cannot recall where it has been.

Black-coated Fizz, who is approximately six years old, sparked panic when she disappeared from her Birmingham home.

After extensive searching of garages and a poster campaign, she returned of her own accord but with no recollection of the intervening six days except a vague sense of menace.

The cat said: “I remember everything perfectly up until last Tuesday afternoon, when I went to sleep on some bags of cement.

“Yesterday I walked into the kitchen, wet and confused. But what happened between those two points, it’s a mystery.

“I get odd flashes of a mountain, and mist, and a very short man in a red fedora hat.

“Also there are three figures wearing helmets, like astronauts, dragging a mannequin or perhaps a dead body across a beach with a purple sky.

“But these could be images from a dream.

“I no longer know what’s real, and what is an illusion.”

She added: “Who can I trust?”

Feline psychologist Emma Bradford said: “I’ve been working with Fizz to unlock those missing memories, but to no avail. Perhaps we will never know what happened.

“Perhaps we are not meant to know.

“She does have a strange seven-pointed geometric design tattooed between her forelegs. Fizz doesn’t appear to have noticed though and I’m not going to tell her because she’ll freak out.”



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Slight amendments made to New Year's resolution to quit smoking

SMOKERS who officially gave up on New Year’s Day have clarified what ‘giving up’ actually means.

The majority of the UK’s cigarette smokers quit the habit forever at midnight on December 31st. While they stress they have still very much given up, there are sub-clauses to the resolution that explain why they are currently holding a lit cigarette.

Semi-former smoker Helen Archer said: “Under the terms of any smoking resolution there are ‘understandable exceptions’ – smoking while stressed, smoking while drinking, smoking when the kids have been giving me shit, smoking after seeing someone on the television smoking.

“Also just having what is technically known as the ‘odd fag’.

“Oh, and smoking while driving. That’s more of a personal thing but it helps me concentrate, I would crash otherwise.”

She added: “I am taking this quitting smoking thing seriously but determination must be tempered with reasonableness.”

Tom Logan, whose new smoke-free lifestyle also includes a certain amount of smoking, said: “I feel really proud to be off cigarettes.

“Because a pipe is not a cigarette.”

His girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “This is the tenth time I’ve successfully quit smoking.”