Most ‘banter’ actually just people talking shit

THE vast majority of the UK’s ‘banter’ fails to meet basic levels of pithiness, experts have revealed.

The Institute for Studies found that instead of witty verbal sparring most ‘banter’ consisted of unimaginative insults, normal conversation or simply random words.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Britons claim to love ‘the banter’, so we were expecting everyone to be constantly trading quick-fire zingers like an episode of Will & Grace.

“After spending two years analysing banter from around the UK we found very little of it rose above the level of ‘Alright Tony, you wanker’.

“Many people believed banter was simply talking to your mates, as with a group of lads from York who described their mundane conversations about work and exercise as ‘classic bantz’.

“Others thought banter was charmlessly insulting people, which is confusing because you don’t know if someone’s being friendly or wants to fight you.”

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “We have some top banter here. I always wind Steve up about being late for work, even if he’s not, and he comes right back at me with something hilarious like ‘You irritating prick, Martin’.

“Or I’ll keep saying random catchphrases like ‘Simples!’ or ‘Mmm, pork chops’. Classic.”

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May to purge Britain of people who steal toilet paper from work 

THERESA May has launched a brutal crackdown on people who steal toilet rolls from their employers.

The prime minister branded toilet paper thieves as ‘enemies of the state’ and insisted their crimes were a ‘direct challenge to her authority’.

She said: “The stealing of toilet paper from the workplace is an act of treason. And that’s that.”

The prime minister has also demanded the extradition of British people who stole toilet paper from work and then fled the country.

But human rights activists warned that May’s crackdown could lead to the purging of everyone in Britain.

A spokesman for Liberty said: “I steal bog roll from here all the time. So did Shami Chakrabarti. She used to bring in an extra big shoulder bag on Fridays.”

One toilet paper thief added: “I thought Theresa May was all about protecting the poorest? Stealing toilet paper is the closest I get to an annual bonus.”