Jesus was the original Pokemon, claims Church of England

THE Church of England is attempting to attract younger people with a new version of the Bible which includes Pokemon.

At services across the UK, vicars have tweaked Bible readings to include references to the children’s game and erected weird-looking cardboard cut-outs of Jesus for the congregation to ‘catch’ with their mobile phones.

Reverend Julian Cooke said: “In many ways Jesus is the Pikachu of the Bible.

“Matthew and John were like the Professor and the gospels are guides that teach us how we can better manage our inner Poke Ball so that we may capture that rarest of Pokemon, God.

“We must search for God as we would a Sandslash or a Dragonite, with patience and love and striving for our entire lives to understand His complex plan.”

Wayne Hayes said: “When we realised the sign outside the church promising there were Pokemon inside was a lie, we got up to leave.

“The desperate vicar said that he’d create a PokeStop if we stayed.”

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Voters can f**k right off, confirms Labour

ANYONE hoping to vote for a functioning centre-left party can take a running jump, the Labour party has confirmed.

Senior Labour figures said it was ridiculous to expect them to act as a political party when they had so many fascinating internal disputes to attend to.

MP Tom Booker said: “ I don’t have time to oppose the Tories when I’m busy deciding which faction to support in a baffling row about committee rules.

“Labour voters need to stop moaning and let us get on with endlessly discussing unimpressive leadership candidates who no one will vote for anyway because they’ve got as much charisma as a carpet tile.

“We’ll get back to stuff like saving the NHS eventually, although that could take until 2025 and Britain will probably be a toxic waste dump belonging to a multinational corporation by then.”

Party member Nikki Hollis said: “I won’t accept anyone except Jeremy Corbyn as leader because I’m too young to remember if old-school CND lefties were popular the first time round.”