Most people not the class they think they are

MOST Britons are not part of the social class they have always claimed they are, research has revealed.

The Institute for Studies found that most people claimed to be a member of a different class as a result of snobbery, inverse-snobbery, or not knowing what they were talking about.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most people are utterly confused about class, like the trustafarian called Hugo who thought he was working class because he makes his own bongos and sells them on Camden market.

“Similarly, we encountered numerous well-off working-class people who were deeply thick and ignorant, but thought they were middle class because they lived next door to a doctor.

“We also found a striking number of middle-class professionals who claimed to be working class because they went to work, which is a bit like saying you’re a pirate because you once kept your pedalo out for too long on a boating lake.

“Equally confused were criminally-inclined members of the underclass, all of whom claimed to be working class, despite the fact that selling weed and signing on is not a job.”

Professor Brubaker said the most challenging part of his research was talking to upper-class people, because many of them believe that everyone owns a horse.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I’m basically middle class, but my parents were working class, so I exaggerate my working classness to sound authentic and hard.

“It’s pathetic, but it does mean I sometimes get to have sex with impressionable posh women who don’t realise Lady Chatterley’s Lover is a load of bollocks.”

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Pope gives atheists permission to think

POPE Francis has allowed atheists to use their brains independently of God.

Francis became the first Pope since the founding of the Catholic Church to grant non-believers some limited control over their own thoughts.

In a letter to an Italian newspaper, the Pontiff said that atheists could now decide for themselves what was right and wrong using something called a ‘conscience’.

But he added: “Don’t go crazy with it, because we all know what you’re like.”

Tom Logan, an atheist from Stevenage, said: “Thanks Pope, that’s really nice of you.

“I have been struggling with whether or not to use my conscience in everyday life.

“I do tend to use it most days, but I don’t really trust it because it didn’t come from heaven.”

Logan added:  “I promise I won’t go on a massive killing spree.”

Helen Archer, a non-believer since 1997, said: “It’s good to know that thinking independently is something to which I can ‘opt-in’.

“I plan to use it mostly at the weekends and for watching television.”

Theologian Professor Julian Cook, added: “The last Pope wouldn’t have let you think for yourselves in a million years.

“You’re very lucky, you know.”