Middle-class children suffer from more invisible illnesses

MIDDLE class children have been hit by an epidemic of invisible and undetectable illnesses.

Doctors have been attacked for failing to diagnose the illnesses, which can cause children to have behavioural problems and do badly at school without it being their parents’ fault.

The conditions, which can strike middle class children from birth to the age of 18, have an unknown effect on the child’s immune system and can cause long-term damage to pleasant lifestyles.

Francesca Johnson, from Putney, said: “My baby suffers from a terrible illness called invisible silent reflux, which means she cries inconveniently when I’m drinking wine.

“But nobody could find anything wrong with her until I went private.”

Dr Helen Fisher said: “My pioneering work in identifying Exceptional Child Self-Suppression Disorder, now known as Fisher’s Syndrome, began with my own son Josh.

“I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t excelling at school, but as a doctor I realised he was hiding how gifted he was so as not to upset his classmates.

“And he was only bullying them because he was provoked by their lack of intelligence.”

Campaigning parents are now calling on the NHS to recognise serious illnesses like Fisher’s Syndrome, silent reflux and stealth flu.

Dr Fisher added: “These conditions can be treated by sending the child to an isolated educational environment far from the family home, or if you don’t have the money for that, I prescribe ketamine.”


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Government publishes latest made-up HS2 figures

THE high speed rail line between London and Birmingham will boost the economy by an enormous made-up number, it has been confirmed. 

The government has unveiled a new report which makes a strong, fictional case for the controversial project.

As well as generating a randomly chosen amount of money, HS2 will lead to other made-up things including a drop in crime, fewer heart attacks and ‘more trees’.

A spokesman said: “This latest massive amount of money is of course just a preliminary figure. Our made-up experts have just confirmed that HS2 could generate an infinite amount of money.

“Also, because doctors and scientists will be able to get to London or Birmingham very quickly then cancer is pretty much sorted.”

The report also confirmed the completely nonsensical budget for the project at £56bn, allowing everyone to immediately multiply it by three.

Meanwhile a recent study predicted that because it is British, HS2 will either add at least 20 minutes to the London-Birmingham journey time or it will just not happen at all.