Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you learn that Miley Cyrus is actually a type of Gaboon Viper and she senses delicate vibrations and smells via her tongue.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
No news from Channel 4 about your re-imagined version of  the drama Blackout, where Britain has nothing but cheap vodka to drink for a week. Not even with your tagline “It’s like a pissed 28 Days Later”.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Doing a crossword on Monday, you will be unable to think of a 7-letter word beginning with ‘a’ meaning ungainly or uncomfortable. Well, this is awkward.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve just seen the Sky/Toy Story advert for the first time and while you’re not one for hyperbole you decide you’d rather see your dad being pumped by four Turkish trawlermen.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The Great North Run this weekend inspires you to dig your sports gear and running machine out of the cupboard to make way for a massive beer fridge.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
To show solidarity with the US demand that Syria hand over its chemical weapons to the UN, you go down to your local police station with a half-empty tin of Raid fly spray.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your opinion on the new plastic bank notes goes largely ignored as it’s unlikely you’ll ever have enough money to actually use one.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After working your way down the pub attractiveness ladder, from the barmaid to the landlord’s wife to the woman who sits by the fruit machine with the moustache, this Friday sees you laughing ingratiatingly at a joke you think the Labrador told.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Mercury was in the house of Venus three months ago and has Venus invited Mercury round since? Has she buggery.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Using evening classes to divert your sexual frustration at being single for the last 18 months backfires as you find yourself on a Saturday night crafting a wickerwork dildo.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time to look at dieting when your five-a-side team is only allowed three other players when you’re in it.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If all else fails, it will be exactly like the rest of your crappy life.

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Attenborough to film 'Life of Scrotes'

DAVID Attenborough’s new nature series for the BBC will delve into the world of Britain’s fast-breeding underclass.

Sir David will follow a group of baseball cap-wearing teenagers as they produce ever more offspring using lager and the back seat of a modded-up Citroen Saxo.

Attenborough said: “We live alongside them, kicking aside their discarded Greggs wrappers and empty WKD bottles every time we walk through the precinct, but what do we really know about the mating of scrotes?”

Early footage shows Attenborough crouched down and speaking in his trademark whisper just yards away from a mature male, surrounded by eight of his 14 children.

He said: “We’re deep inside his territory, and if we were for a moment identified as a threat he would release the bull terrier and we would have to run for our lives.”

The series will also devote an entire episode to a park bench which carries the slogan ‘Chelsee Mayer suks dick for cigs’.