Moving to London not compulsory

MOVING to one of the world’s most expensive cities is not something you have to do, it has emerged.

Following growing concern about spiralling living costs in the capital, young people have been reminded that going to live in Dalston is not something totally necessary, like breathing or eating food.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “One of the best ways of tackling the housing crisis in London is by not going to live there.

“You may think it’s a glamorous escape from your humdrum provincial life, but it’s just full of people from your home town trying to escape from people like you.

“The ‘cool bits’ are just drab consumerist nightmares trading on the fact that edgy artists live there, but that was actually back in 1843 when painters were still addicted to laudanum.”

23-year-old graduate Nikki Hollis said: “The current London rate to rent sleeping space on a kitchen worktop is £1,000 per month plus agent’s fees. But I have to do it, I can’t risk not doing the thing the media tells me to do.

“My dream is to work for a magazine, writing columns about trying on sunglasses in vintage boutiques while feeling empty inside.”

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Old hatchbacks better than supercars, say boy racers

BOY racers have confirmed that they drive fairly old hatchbacks because they prefer them to supercars.

Young male car enthusiasts believe that with the right handling a mid-00s Nissan Micra or Fiat Uno can deliver just as much punch as a Lamborghini.

Plumbing student Tom Booker said: “People assume that I drive a 2001 Fiesta because it’s the cheapest car that you can buy a spoiler for. Actually though I prefer its solid, noble looks to those of ugly Italian sports cars which I could probably afford if I really wanted one.

I don’t need a Porsche Spyder to overtake people, I can do that by ignoring the speed limits in 30mph zones.”

Sales administrator Roy Hobbs said: “A McLaren P1 might be nice, but £800,000 is a lot of money when my Honda Civic is perfectly good for doing handbrake turns in empty car parks.

“Also I listen to deafening dubstep all the time which makes all driving exciting, even if you’re just going to get some bread for your mum.

“I have wondered why I don’t meet any women like the ones in the Fast and Furious films, but I probably just need to practise my wheelspins.”