Subscribe

Mum binge-watching what neighbours are doing in their garden

A MOTHER is gripped by a new live-action reality show which she is binge-watching via the streaming service of her kitchen window.

Mary Fisher could not get into Made in Chelsea or The Only Way is Essex, but has found herself riveted to the squabbles about trellises and hanging baskets that drop every day in her neighbour’s back garden.

She said: “I missed the first few seasons but the plot’s easy enough to pick up. And thanks to the second-screen-friendly dialogue I can even scroll on my phone at the same time.

“Basically, it’s about this suburban middle-class family who are coming to terms with their pointless existence via horticulture. Not only is it unmissable, there are no ads.

“It’s impossible to only watch one episode. Just when I’m about to see what’s on the telly, the conversation switches from the ivy that needs trimming to their daughter’s bulimia. I can’t walk away from a cliffhanger like that.

“The only downside is that nobody else watches it, so I can’t talk to anyone about the plot twists. I’m trying to get my friend Helen to give it a go by saying it’s like Ground Force meets Bridgerton.”

Neighbour Kelly Howard said: “Mary’s obsessive viewing habits are disturbing. But we are nicking her WiFi and using her Disney+ account, so it’s a fair trade.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Michael B Jordan and Cheryl Tweedy: Celebs who should be forced into relationships to please the fans

CHERYL Tweedy fans want her to date Michael B Jordan after they flirted in a viral clip, because we own them, they are ours and they should shag if we want it. Especially these: 

Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves

They both had crushes on each other while filming Speed in 1993, so what’s the problem? Yes, Keanu is in a long-term relationship, but they owe their careers to the fans so the fans can control their lives. Once Sandra and Keanu decide to finally show some gratitude they can have the wedding on a bus.

Michael B Jordan and Cheryl Tweedy

Meeting briefly on The Graham Norton Show years ago and Cheryl finding attractive actor Michael attractive is definitely a solid basis for a relationship. They have nothing in common, but that will just prolong the lovely ‘finding out about each other’ phase of their relationship. Imagine Michael’s excitement when he has his first Newcastle munchie box.

David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston

The fact that these two aren’t together is an insult to Friends fans. Obviously they’re not really Ross and Rachel, but they could be if they just remember to keep telling jokes while they’re talking to each other. And a sex tape of them with Jennifer in her Leia bikini would be a great bonus feature for the next Friends anniversary special.

Harry Styles and Taylor Swift

A romance some fans wish could be rekindled. They’re both pop stars and they’ve had sex before, so getting back together should be easy, ironically. People will forget about Travis in no time. Is it odd to still be thinking about a brief celebrity fling from 2012? Not if you’re an obsessive fan who can say ‘Haylor’ without feeling like a twat.

Timothée Chalamet and Zendaya

Audiences were gripped by them finding love on the desert planet Arrakis, so they should do it in real-life. Is this blurring fact and fiction in a way that’s actually a bit deranged? No. MJ’s partner Spider-Man needs to do the right thing and let her be with Muad’Dib.

Florence Pugh and Andrew Garfield

Fans felt this duo should be going out after their incredible chemistry in We Live in Time. The fact that they’ve shown absolutely no interest in a relationship is irrelevant. They should force themselves to love each other and go public immediately. Then he should immediately start an affair with the fans’ other favourite, Amelia Dimoldenberg.

Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio

Jack and Rose together in real life would make diehard Titanic fans explode with joy. Yes, their lives have moved on a touch since 1997, but with a few life changes Kate and Leo could start dating, if they can overcome the notorious relationship obstacle of being the same age.

Next story ›