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We ask you: What did you ask Nigel Farage to say on Cameo?

NIGEL Farage is the second most popular presenter of personal messages in Britain, beaten only by Jay from The Inbetweeners. What did he say in yours? 

Steve Malley, bricklayer: “I asked him to say the Yorkshire Ripper was misunderstood, and he threw in the Suffolk Strangler and the Crossbow Cannibal for no extra charge! Top man.”

Donna Sheridan, kettle descaler: “It was my dad’s birthday so we requested a Bigotagram mixing together several familiar prejudices with some thrilling new ones, and we weren’t disappointed! Who knew that all Namibians should be castrated because they carry the gene for dwarfism?”

Julian Cook, campaign manager: “My request was for a message outlining Reform’s policy regarding the deficit and how debt would be paid down by his government. Cost me £79 but I’m his campaign manager and it’s the only way I can get hold of the grifting prick.”

James Bates, horologist: “Yeah, don’t ask him to say he supports democracy or an independent judiciary. I got blacklisted.”

Josh Gardner, landscaper: “I wanted a message of support for Trump’s war on Iran, and he not only said he’d commit all UK forces to it, he then turned around and said we’d take no part in the war and Trump was on his own! Top man.

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Are you the father of Bonnie Blue's baby? A quiz

ONLYFANS star Bonnie Blue is allegedly pregnant, but who will come forward to claim paternity? Find out if it’s you: 

How did you meet Bonnie Blue?

A) On the apps. I can’t believe we matched. Judging by all the sexy pics on her profile I thought she’d be really picky.
B) I queued up with hundreds of other men in a warehouse for a very brief physical interaction. It was the most female contact I’ve ever had.

When did this happen?

A) A couple of months ago. Things didn’t work out between us, but I admit I’ve thought about texting to see if she’s up for trying again.
B) On January 12th, 2025. You can see the clips of it on social media. She might be pregnant from then, I don’t know how pregnancy works, I’m a man.

Did you have sex?

A) No comment. Bonnie seemed a shy, private woman who would not want the sordid details of her personal life splashed across the internet. But yes.
B) Eventually, after standing in line for two hours behind all the other sweaty blokes. When she finally said ‘next’? The hottest sexual experience of my life.

Which positions did you do?

A) Standard missionary. I didn’t want to try anything too extreme and scare her off with my greater experience.
B) What’s it called where you awkwardly hump someone for half a minute as the ring light bounces off their dead eyes? That one.

Did you wear a condom?

A) Of course. Bonnie is a sweet, innocent woman, whereas I have a body count of five. Rolling one on was a basic courtesy.
B) No, I’ve heard you can’t feel anything. Also it’s the woman’s responsibility. Also I don’t know how to put one on.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: The dates line up and condoms are only 98 per cent effective, so you’re likely to have sired Bonnie Jr. Don’t be scared though. Fatherhood might seem intimidating, but explaining mum’s career choices to your child will be really rewarding too.

Mostly Bs: Impossible to tell. You might have unwisely busted inside Bonnie Blue without any protection, but so did hundreds of others. Avoid uploading your DNA anywhere and for f**k’s sake stop telling everyone.

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