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Assisted dying vote swayed by MSP Mark Renton's moving 'Choose life' speech

THE assisted dying bill in Scotland has been defeated after a moving monologue on choosing life delivered by Edinburgh MSP Mark Renton. 

The member for Edinburgh Southern stood up and urged Holyrood to choose life, choose a job, a career, a family, a television, assorted electronic consumer goods, and various other accoutrements of a fulfilled, meaningful existence in the modern day.

MSP Bill McKay said: “I wasn’t expecting much of a contribution from him, if I’m honest. He always seems a bit nihilistic and anti-authority.

“But when he stood up and delivered that speech, the whole chamber cheered. It actually began before he’d finished, which is a shame because it drowned out what I’m sure was a rousing and affirming end.

“It’s thanks to Mark, a fine example to the young, that we have rejected assisted dying and are sticking with the good traditional Scottish way of ending your life early with tablet, deep-fried Mars bars and alcoholism.

“He’s planning to address us next week on Scottish identity. I eagerly await what he has to say.”

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How to keep your man interested by treating him like shit, by a plumber

YOU know who gets texts from blokes, ignores them and it only makes them want me more? Me over here, a licensed plumber. Need him hungry for you, girls? Do this: 

Don’t respond to messages too quickly

You can’t be answering immediately. Makes you seem cheap. They have to be reminded they need you more than you need them. And go ahead and tease a little. Men like mystery. Make them wait in all night then send a last-minute text saying you’ve got another job that’s gone long but you’ll try to get to them sometime later this month. They love that.

Never let him know what you’re thinking

Keep him on his toes. Seem friendly, then give them the silent treatment. Say you’re nipping down Screwfix for a part then don’t come back for two days. Act like it’s no big deal it being a Sunday, then casually drop in that it’s double-time with a call-out fee once they’re committed.

Let him chase you

Set times you don’t show up for, book in dates you’re no intention of making, and when he’s had enough that’s when you reach out with a 750-word WhatsApp message revealing you’ve been going through some personal stuff lately but it’s over now and you are ready to make this work. Then don’t turn up again.

Reinforce that you have all the power

He can complain, he can vent, he can say ‘I thought we’d agreed this’ and ‘I don’t think I’m getting what I wanted’ but remember you have the power tools and the power. He’s completely dependent on you and he knows it. If you walk out now he’s completely f**ked. If he threatens to find someone else? You know how tough it is out there. He won’t.

Go bloody crazy on his pipes

Finally, give him the payoff. Show him you know your way around a pipe like nobody he’s ever let get down on their knees and see what’s flowing. Service good and bloody hard until he’s gasping with delight, then quote for six days’ work.

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