Murdoch forces normal people to agree with the Guardian

THE full extent of the online hacking scandal was exposed last night as millions of perfectly normal people found themselves on the same side of an argument as the Guardian.

As the News of the World fired a salvo of 27 cruise missiles through the bottom of the barrel, for the first time in living memory the Guardian was backed by people who are not pathetically self-conscious about every single fucking thing they say or do.

Helen Archer, a housewife from Stevenage, said: “If I start being wrong about everything all the time then I vow to you, as God is my witness, someone is going to pay for this.

“One can only hope that Holloway’s least seductive bull-dykes are now running their eye over Rebekah Brooks and oiling their steam-powered love truncheons.”

And with Britain at once both surprised and yet not surprised at all, attention has turned to how other national newspapers are reacting to the thing they would totally have done if their private investigators were not complete bloody amateurs.

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster said: “I was fully expecting a Sun front page along the lines of ‘SICK SCUM PHONE HACK SHAME’ with a paragraph about how the ‘sick evil scum shamed Britain’.

“Or maybe one of those dreary puns that arsehole radio presenters think are brilliant. Perhaps ‘Dowler and out’, or ‘Milly buggers’, but no. They seemed to have missed it completely. And here was me thinking it was the Greatest Newspaper in the World.”

He added: “Thank goodness the Daily Mail covered it by making the thing absolutely everyone is talking about the eighth story on the front page of their website, below the heart-stopping drama of a Royal canoe race and a couple of reassuringly familiar stories about foreign scroungers.”

Media pundits say the News of the World‘s seven million-strong readership will now divide into those who will spend the rest of their lives washing their hands 300 times a day and those who will continue to enjoy stories about fucking.

Wayne Hayes, media analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “At this stage it’s anyone’s guess, though one does have to question the commercial impact of Guardian readers boycotting the News of the World.

“Nevertheless I am sure those Guardian readers will cancel their Sky subscriptions the very moment the second series of Boardwalk Empire finishes sometime next year.”

Meanwhile David Cameron, who only last week presented Rupert Murdoch with a nude self-portrait, is to base his response to the scandal on hoping that secretly you don’t really care about it at all.

A Downing Street source said: “The prime minister’s political instincts are as reliable now as they were when he employed Andy Coulson on the basis that a former editor of the News of the World is physically incapable of telling a lie.”


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Parents 'have right to know if News of the World pervert lives next door'

EVERY family in Britain lives no more than 50 miles from a predatory, News of the World phone beast, it has emerged.

The discovery has boosted the campaign for a new law that will force police to warn neighbourhoods if a News of the World employee is living nearby, how long they have known about it and how much they were paid to keep their mouths shut.

As it emerged the tabloid had been stalking murdered schoolgirl Milly Dowler, parents said it is vital they know where the dangerous perverts are living.

And last night campaigners demanded that politicians who tried to block the law should be ‘named and shamed’ even if it was just going to be a list of all the Tories in Parliament and probably Peter Mandelson.

But some have warned the move could lead to vigilante attacks, with stupid, angry crowds targeting things that sound a bit like ‘News-of-the-World-reporter’ while the journalists would ‘go to ground’ and resort to the opportunistic hacking of phones in swing parks and school playgrounds.

Meanwhile, Britain remains covered in its own sick after nearly 24 hours of violent, projectile vomiting.

Volunteer groups are now handing out snow shovels so the vomit can be scooped up and loaded onto massive trucks.

The trucks will then converge on News International’s east London HQ where the doors and windows will be sealed before hosepipes attached to heating vents pump all the vomit into the building until it fills up and drowns everyone inside.

Experts say that after three hours of constant pumping the roof will burst open revealing a towering fountain of top class British sick that will be visible from up to 12 miles away.

After all the sick has been used up the entire mess of bodies, vomit and concrete will be bulldozed into the Thames and the site used for a library specialising in homoerotic novels written by Frenchmen.

Speaking between pukes, Tom Logan, from Hatfield said: “I’m just really disappointed in Rupert Murdoch. Yes, he’s let me down, but more importantly he’s let himself down.

“I always think of him as the Gary Lineker of British newspapers. Whether he was sneering at the violent deaths of 300 Argentine conscripts, employing Garry Bushell or telling people they couldn’t get AIDS from straight sex, he was very much the Golden Boy. Where did it all go wrong?”

Speaking from his office in Tiananmen Square, Murdoch last night said he would somehow have to find a way of living with the shame, which would begin within minutes of him hacking into Mr and Mrs Dowler’s land line to see if they had fallen for his heartfelt apology.

He added: “How would you all feel if I said it was just a bit of saucy fun?”