NEANDERTHALS did not die out but are still trying it on in town centre nightclubs, it has emerged.
Scientists had believed the human sub-species became extinct due to a lack of charm and a tendency to see family members as a potential source of protein.
However DNA tests by the Institute for Studies found that Neanderthal males persist in regional ‘meat market’ style nightclubs, where they woo women by rubbing their groins against their backs during slow r’n’b tracks.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The first modern Neanderthal tribe we found was in ‘Smokey’s’ nightclub in Kent. They live under railway arches, spearing fish and stealing cats during the day then by night they put on tight V-neck ‘muscle tees’, designer jeans and pointy shoes.
“The sloping foreheads are a giveaway, also the tendency to boast about mammoth kills and their attempts to bribe women into sex with the offer of stale fruit.”
Clubber Nikki Hollis said: “I met this bloke at a foam party and was actually seeing him for a few weeks, but his dense body hair and habit of calling planes ‘flame birds’ started to bother me. I had to end it when he turned up on my doorstep dragging a cow he’d shot with an arrow.
“But if all the evolved men have got girlfriends sometimes you have to go prehistoric.”