Neanderthals thriving in local nightclubs

NEANDERTHALS did not die out but are still trying it on in town centre nightclubs, it has emerged.

Scientists had believed the human sub-species became extinct due to a lack of charm and a tendency to see family members as a potential source of protein.

However DNA tests by the Institute for Studies found that Neanderthal males persist in regional ‘meat market’ style nightclubs, where they woo women by rubbing their groins against their backs during slow r’n’b tracks.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The first modern Neanderthal tribe we found was in ‘Smokey’s’ nightclub in Kent. They live under railway arches, spearing fish and stealing cats during the day then by night they put on tight V-neck ‘muscle tees’, designer jeans and pointy shoes.

“The sloping foreheads are a giveaway, also the tendency to boast about mammoth kills and their attempts to bribe women into sex with the offer of stale fruit.”

Clubber Nikki Hollis said: “I met this bloke at a foam party and was actually seeing him for a few weeks, but his dense body hair and habit of calling planes ‘flame birds’ started to bother me. I had to end it when he turned up on my doorstep dragging a cow he’d shot with an arrow.

“But if all the evolved men have got girlfriends sometimes you have to go prehistoric.”

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Wetherspoon's to open human zoo

JD WETHERSPOON is to open a zoo showcasing unusual and endangered humans, just off the M40.

The pub chain hopes its human zoo will become a bigger family attraction than Alton Towers as families flock to see the strange and wonderful exhibits drawn from its outlets across the UK.

The ‘Wetherzoo’ promises attractions included the world’s reddest man, the two oldest-looking middle-aged women you’ve ever seen and a girl who can sustain an argument with her boyfriend for 39 hours.

A spokesman said: “The Wetherzoo will be an important scientific resource, as our researchers work to decode the grunts and growls of amazing specimens like ‘Billy’, the 29-stone Glaswegian former rail worker who uses a unique language to communicate with bar staff.

“Displayed in their natural environment of a cavernous, eerily quiet pub, these remarkable creatures will be carrying on their instinctive consumption of cheap beer just as they would in their local pub habitat.

He added: “They’re not actually in captivity, they just choose not to leave. In fact we’ve already tried ringing the ‘last orders’ bell but it has no effect.”

Web designer and father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “Like most people these days I’m obsessed with work, mortgages and materialistic one-upmanship, so I think it’s important to preserve people who couldn’t give a shit for future generations.”