Neighbours invited to party on condition they don’t come

A MAN has invited his next-door neighbours to a party he is holding tomorrow night on condition that they do not attend.

Wayne Hayes of Warrington, who has previously only spoken to his neighbours when picking up parcels, asked them to the party solely to forestall noise complaints while making it clear they are not in the least welcome.

He said: “Yeah, we’re having a bit of a party tomorrow night, probably go on until pretty late, don’t want any bullshit about the music so we’re issuing invites that should in no way be taken up.

“I mean it’d be a party full of complete strangers refusing to pass you spliffs and completely ignoring you, so if you actually did want to come you’d hate it, and we’d hate you, even if anyone answered the door.

“By about 2am we’ll be in the garden singing drunkenly along to the same Oasis song again and again and playing a game where we smash bottles against a wall while laughing hysterically, but you can’t call the police because technically you were invited.

“So yeah, basically I’m having a party, this invite means you rescind all rights to criticise it in any way, do not come. Great talking to you.”

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Daydreaming office worker mutters 'They'll see, they'll all see'

A DAYDREAMING office worker has been caught mouthing ‘They’ll see, oh yes they’ll all see’ to herself. 

Colleagues noticed that Nikki Hollis had been staring into space for around ten minutes, and managed to lip-read her muttered pronouncements that one day her greatness would be recognised.

Co-worker Tom Booker said: “It was pretty clear that she was rehearsing scenarios where she showed the entire world, including I’m guessing most of us here in the office, that they were wrong to underestimate her and will come to regret it.

“Pretty standard stuff and I’m certainly not about to judge her. What office worker doesn’t get through the day with fantasies of their own superiority and future revenge?”

Hollis continued her daydream for a futher five minutes before smiling in a knowing way, shaking her head and laughing cruelly to herself.