New regulator leads to massive improvement in press behaviour

BRITAIN’S newspapers have undergone a moral transformation thanks to the introduction of a new regulator.

Ipso, created following the Leveson enquiry, has forced tabloids to take a far more ethical approach to reporting – and they have put on millions in sales as a result.

The circulation of the Daily Express has quadrupled thanks to headlines such as ‘Weather to be reasonably normal’, ‘Eastenders star dines with family’ and ‘Migrants enrich tapestry of UK with their culture and enterprise’.

Veteran Fleet Street journalist Tom Logan said: “Cynics said that a body whose Code of Practice Committee is chaired by the editor of the Daily Mail was unlikely to be effective. How wrong they were.

“Last week the Prime Minister and his wife attended a banquet for the Cambridge Boilermakers’ Guild.

“During the meal, Samantha Cameron’s breasts fell out of her dress. The Sun didn’t even mention it; instead, they reported the PM’s speech in full as well as a double-page spread on the history of English boilermaking.

“By the time I got to my newsagent at quarter past eight, they had sold out.”

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Andy Carroll has forgotten almost all the rules of football

WEST Ham striker Andy Carroll has returned from injury but has been asking teammates elementary questions about football.

Teammates revealed Carroll watched yesterday’s training session with childlike wonder, as if he was experiencing a brand new world.

Central defender James Tomkins said: “He was asking what the six-yard box is and why we were all wearing claret shirts.

“A lot has changed since Andy last played a game. There’s some new faces, a new kit and we’ve changed our name from Thames Ironworks.”

West Ham boss Slaven Bilic said: “At the moment we’re focused on making sure he doesn’t pick up the ball and try to eat it.”