New Waitrose delivery service will come into your house and sneer at it

A NEW delivery service from Waitrose will bring your groceries into your house and pity you for your shallow, petit bourgeois aspirations.

Delivery drivers will let themselves in by finding the spare key in the painfully obvious location behind the hanging basket, and will cover your house with disdainful Post-Its mocking what a pathetic social climber you are.

Susan Traherne from Uttoxeter, said: “There was a charmingly snide note on my fridge-freezer saying ‘Did you need one this big, or do you think you’re American?’.

“They knew exactly which Le Creuset I’d got from TK Maxx, which dresses I was too old or fat for, and a lovely watercolour in the hall was marked ‘I remember this from the cover of the People’s Friend’.

“When I nipped in the downstairs loo and saw the note saying ‘Liquid soap! How marvellous, like in a public convenience’ I actually broke down weeping in shame.

“It’s just like when I had my posh friend over and she winced at the gas fire. I’ll definitely be using the service again.”

A Waitrose spokesman said: “And of course she’ll order truffle oil next time to try and impress us.”

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Home of cannabis and prostitution draws the line at Marmite

A COUNTRY where cannabis and prostitution are legal and chemical weapons are analysed, has refused to have anything to do with Marmite.

Plans for Unilever to move its global headquarters to the Netherlands have been scrapped after the Dutch government threatened lead action against anyone involved in the distribution of yeast extract.

A Dutch government spokesman said: “We are a tolerant people. A little spliff? Sure. Selling your body? It happens. But this is just filth in a jar. How can you have this in your houses?

“You get all upset about Novichok being released in your historic city, but then you eat this? You’re weird.

“A Dutch person is calling you weird.”

The spokesman added: “We’re more than happy to give you a comprehensive free trade deal, with the exception of any trucks carrying Marmite. We will tip those into the sea.”