Northerner attempts to pay on London bus with correct change

A NORTHERNER visiting London has caused chaos after attempting to pay a bus driver with exact change. 

Carlisle resident Tom Booker was enjoying a three-day trip to London when he found himself in a dispute with a bus driver over what those round shiny things in his hand were.

Booker said: “I’m no yokel. I know you need the right money on buses these days. And I wasn’t being cheated out of 65p.

“But I couldn’t see that little metal dish you put the money in anywhere, and the driver kept barking ‘contactless’ at me even though I wasn’t even trying to touch him.

“I held out a fiver, assuming the fare had gone up, but that only seemed to aggravate him more. Finally the woman behind me muttered ‘fucksake’, did something that beeped and he waved me on.

“I still don’t know the trick of it. Maybe it’s some secret London code? Either way, I can’t wait to get back on the tube where I can use my Travelcard.

Commuter Emma Bradford said: “The poor bastard was holding the whole bus up so I tapped him through with my debit card. We all winced when he left cheerfully thanking the driver.

“It’s painful how ignorant these idiots are of how to do things in London. Where is ‘Carlisle’, anyway? Wales?”

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The six best sexual positions you'll only do three of

BORED of your sex life? Why not read about these wild new sexual positions, suggest to your partner you try them, and then not bother because surely sex is one thing you shouldn’t over-complicate? 

MISSIONARY: The tried-and-true favourite, popular with men and women but has the unfortunate side-effect of slight guilt that you’re not trying something more adventurous like the glamorous people do. So you will, then you’ll go back to this.

COWGIRL: Otherwise known as ‘Her On Top’ or ‘Her Best Chance Of An Actual Orgasm’, this enduring popular position is unfashionable because it’s popular. Kate Moss would probably call you a ‘basic bitch’ for doing it. Can you really risk an imaginary diss from a middle-aged supermodel?

DOGGYSTYLE: The last of the positions you’ll actually bother with, this one’s good but tends to tempt men to slap arse like a jockey on a racehorse. Also you’ll have to put the fitted sheet on again afterwards, and is it worth it when you could do it another way and save yourself the trouble?

REVERSE COWGIRL: Like cowgirl, except instead of facing your partner you’re looking at that mysterious stain on the wall and all that stuff you should tidy up on the drawers instead. Not recommended if the lady has an ill-advised Take That backpiece.

SPOONS: Combines sex and sleep, or to be honest unfavourably compares sex to sleep. If you’ve got kids and/or a demanding job will simply become sleep. And you’d finally got round to having sex.

ONE WHERE SOMEBODY’S GOT A LEG IN THE AIR: After this there are loads of positions, all of which involve one partner having one or more legs in the air. You will tire of having a leg in the air so quickly. Even Stormy Daniels only does leg-in-the-air for 45 seconds. Go back to missionary, and be glad.