Vicar unable to explain plot holes in Bible

CHILDREN at a Sunday school are asking their vicar more and more difficult questions about the Bible, none of which he seems able to answer. 

The class have subjected the book to the same rigorous analysis they use on Marvel movies and have found numerous inconsistencies which Reverend Tom Logan is unable to solve.

Nine-year-old Susan Traherne said: “We’re not asking complex stuff. It’s like, when God flooded the Earth why didn’t he punish the fish?

“Why did He send all those plagues to Egypt when He could have just freed the Israelites himself? Why does it all happen in the Middle East and never mention, like, China?

“Could the people building the Tower of Babel not just work out what each other were saying after he gave them all different languages? When I went to Lanzarote, I bought an ice-cream just by pointing.”

Reverend Logan said: “I’m brushing them off with the old ‘mysterious ways’ line, but these are internet kids. They’re Googling fan theories and not liking what they find.

“I’ve emailed the Archbishop of Canterbury, but I think we’re going to have to declare the whole thing non-canon and do a reboot. It worked for Spider-Man.”

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Apostrophe added to endangered species list

THE apostrophe has been added to the list of endangered species in the UK.

Sightings of the punctuation mark in the wild have become increasingly rare, with experts worried that widespread abuse has caused a precipitous collapse in numbers.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The natural habitat of the apostrophe – letters, books, even decently crafted emails – has all but disappeared.

“Razed by the internet and social media on which apostrophes are rarely employed, this formerly plentiful symbol now only survives in captivity on English teachers’ whiteboards.

“We should never have criticised greengrocers for letting their apostrophes run so wild. At least they loved them.”

Meanwhile red flags have also been raised over the status of the comma, a once-common piece of punctuation that is increasingly being seen as redundant by anyone writing an angry Facebook status about fake bitches.

Experts confirmed, however, that exclamation marks are running rampant with sightings in larger and larger herds across the internet.