NURSES will get a six per cent pay rise on the condition that they also do the job of the Fire Service, the government has announced.
Ministers are confident nurses can find time to extinguish fires, attend road accidents and rescue cats from trees during the course of their ordinary duties if they really try.
Health secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “If nurses want extra pay then they must accept extra responsibilities, like running into burning buildings wielding axes. It’s still saving lives.
“When a special alarm goes off in hospitals nurses will simply stop what they’re doing and run to their fire engine outside. Patients won’t mind because it will all be terribly exciting.
“Anyone injured in fires or car crashes can simply be treated at the scene, relieving pressure on NHS beds, with roadsides made into sterile operating theatres by the application of high-pressure hoses.
“It won’t cost taxpayers a penny because we’ll save a fortune by abolishing the Fire Service. If anyone can see a flaw in this plan I’d love to hear it!”
Fire-nurse Donna Sheridan said: “Great. Now I’ve got men and women going on about how sexy I am in uniform.”