Nurses to get pay rise if they become firemen too

NURSES will get a six per cent pay rise on the condition that they also do the job of the Fire Service, the government has announced.

Ministers are confident nurses can find time to extinguish fires, attend road accidents and rescue cats from trees during the course of their ordinary duties if they really try.

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “If nurses want extra pay then they must accept extra responsibilities, like running into burning buildings wielding axes. It’s still saving lives.

“When a special alarm goes off in hospitals nurses will simply stop what they’re doing and run to their fire engine outside. Patients won’t mind because it will all be terribly exciting.

“Anyone injured in fires or car crashes can simply be treated at the scene, relieving pressure on NHS beds, with roadsides made into sterile operating theatres by the application of high-pressure hoses.

“It won’t cost taxpayers a penny because we’ll save a fortune by abolishing the Fire Service. If anyone can see a flaw in this plan I’d love to hear it!”

Fire-nurse Donna Sheridan said: “Great. Now I’ve got men and women going on about how sexy I am in uniform.”

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Blue passports to reek of garlic

BRITAIN’S post-Brexit blue passports are to be impregnated with the stench of garlic and snails by their French manufacturers, it has emerged. 

The passports, which have been hailed as the only tangible benefit of leaving the EU, will be manufactured by Franco-Dutch company Gemalto and forever tainted by their continental sophistication.

A Gemalto spokesman said: “Our manufacturing process will be entirely staffed by thin-moustached Frenchmen who read Sartre, drink two bottles of wine for lunch and have complicated affairs.

“They will be touching your passport, touching it with their baguette fingers, and consequently it will reek of garlic from 40 paces. Customs officials will cover their noses when you approach.

“The executive level of the business is entirely Dutch, however, high on skunk and office prostitutes, so will print the Royal seal backwards making a mockery of your ‘sovereignty’.

“It will be a passport of shame, of failure, of betrayal. A passport of Brexit.”

Leave voter Roy Hobbs of Barnsley said: “As long as it’s blue. Nothing else matters if it’s blue.”