Oh good, feminism's back, say men

MEN were last night delighted to discover that feminism is making a comeback.

As the relaunch of Spare Rib magazine follows the Femen topless protests and the campaign to ban Page 3, reasonable men looked forward to immensely enjoyable discussions with newly empowered partners, friends and relatives

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “Well, that’s just excellent.

“I should probably start making a list of new and interesting ways in which I can say ‘please stop this, I’m agreeing with you’.

“Also, I am going to have to give up golf. It’s simply not worth it.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I’m a fair-minded, live-and-let-live kind of chap who has never so much as glanced at a copy of FHM and strongly believes that Top Gear is for brain-damaged gibbons.

“I fear, however, that this will be wholly inadequate.”

Roy Hobbs, a house husband from Finsbury Park, said: “I’ll probably be okay, won’t I? Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine…”

And Nathan Muir, from Peterborough, added: “I no longer have the faintest idea what I am supposed to say or do.

“It is time for me to go and live in the woods.”

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Britons could be forced to stop beating each other up

A CRISIS in A & E means Britons may be forced to reconsider whether they can have a fight this weekend.

Hospital resources are stretched to breaking point, with some doctors pointing the finger at the British obsession with hitting each other really hard for no reason.

Doctor Julian Cook said: “It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but maybe we need to stop constantly trying to kill one another.”

Health officials are launching a Think Before You Punch campaign, encouraging the public to question whether their fight is really necessary.

38-year-old office administrator Nikki Hollis said: “The thought of hitting someone outside a pub is what keeps me going through the week.

“The government needs to divert money away pointless things like education because I can’t go to work on Monday with untreated broken knuckles.

“I wouldn’t be able to type and that would affect the economy.”

She added: “I think people who get injured in accidents should be the ones going without medical attention. If you patch them up, it just encourages them to keep being clumsy.”

Plumber Tom Logan said: “Maybe it’s a wake-up call. I’m actually tired of fighting every Saturday night but do it from a grudging sense of obligation.

“If there weren’t any doctors to put my face back together I might do something else instead, like table tennis or pan-Asian cookery.”