BRITAIN’S poor people have finally conceded defeat and vowed to find work first thing this morning.
As the government pressed ahead with welfare reform despite some bishops rejecting a £26,000 benefit cap, the nation’s job centres braced themselves for an influx of millions, ready to embark on a fantastic career.
Experts predicted it will be the first time Britain has experienced full employment since 526, when Olaf the Prudent opened the Dark Ages’ largest pig showroom, in Colchester.
Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Welfare reform is always complex and controversial but I think we can safely say that this time it is going to be perfect.”
Long-term claimant Nikki Hollis said: “Don’t get me wrong, while raising two kids in a bedsit on eighty quid a week has been a hoot, I finally have to accept that play time is over.
“I just can’t decide whether to work for a major clearing bank or a traditional, high street retailer. Talk about your dizzying rainbow of life-changing opportunities.”
The entire benefits system is expected to be defunct by early March, making thousands of people unemployed who were formerly employed in preventing bedsit-based malnutrition. However, most of them are expected to quickly find work as racing drivers or astronauts.
Meanwhile left-wing atheists have insisted that any reform of the House of Lords must now exempt unelected Jesus-freaks with pointy hats.
Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “I don’t believe that Jesus was God but I do believe he knew that £26,000 pounds is not a lot of money these days.”
Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: “My take home pay is £25,000 a year and I have to raise three kids. If they promised not to molest it, I’d happily give one of them to the Church.”