Police investigate allegations of reasonable criticism

CHELSEA fans are being investigated after several were reportedly heard making balanced, cogent points about opposition players.

The London side drew 0-0 with Norwich with stewards claiming that among the usual torrent of racist bile, several people in the Shed End could be heard calmly discussing the relatives merits of the 4-3-3 system.

A police spokesman said: “Civilised debate has no place in the modern game and it runs contrary of our ‘Let’s Kick Logic Out Of Football’ campaign.
“It’s disheartening to think that in this day and age some people seem unable to scream ‘I hope you get fucking cancer’ at the opposition goalkeeper, but this is the kind of idiot we’re dealing with.”

Chelsea has promised to cooperate with police, handing over CCTV footage which allegedly shows somebody agreeing with someone else’s point and small sections of the crowd applauding the Norwich players off the pitch.

Tattoo canvass and unemployed taxi driver Wayne Hayes said “I’ve been coming to Stamford Bridge to tell everyone on the pitch to go back to their own country for 30 years and I never heard anything like it.

“My little boy was with me but fortunately I started singing about the lack of black in the Union Jack and was able to drown it out.

“Even so, when I got home he asked me what ‘it’s only a game’ means. He’s only seven.”


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Paul Daniels to explain to why he didn't magic his finger back on

PAUL Daniels is to explain to the Magic Circle why he did not use conjuring and sorcery to re-attach his severed finger.

The veteran magician is under magical pressure after he chose to rely on the more conventional method of driving to a nearby casualty unit.

By using conventional medicine Daniels is in direct contravention of the rules of the Magic Circle, which state that if a magician cuts a finger off, they must then show the wound to the audience before placing the hand inside a top hat.

The magician should then distract the audience by producing an endless stream of ping-pong balls from his or her mouth, followed by a small explosion, after which the audience is shown the hand complete and unwounded.

Denys Finch-Hatton, Britiain’s Chief Magician, said: “Re-attaching a severed finger is as easy as pulling a ten pence piece from a fat lady’s ear. Daniels has brought magical shame on us all.

“We’d only let him off if the finger-amputation was in fact a classic piece of misdirection, to distract you from another, larger amputation. But it wasn’t.”

Daniels claims he wanted to re-attach the finger using the Mystery Box of Fu Man Chu but was distracted by the sheer quantity of blood which he described as ‘quite a lot’.