Olympics doing exactly what they were supposed to

THE 2012 Olympics have been declared a resounding success as the first busload of undesirables was banished from East London.

Organisers said the event was at least four months ahead of schedule in making the east of the city as unaffordable as the west to people who are either unemployed or have a proper, actual job.

In preparation for the post-Olympic influx of six-figure bullshit consultants, Newham Council has now begun herding its substandard social housing tenants into sorting pens before despatching them to a corner of the UK more suited to their third-rate bone structure and beastly televisual inclinations.

Sebastian Coe, Lord of the Olympics, said: “The cleansing has begun, even before the first javelin has been javelled.

“I would like to award Newham Council a gold medal. They are the Fatima Whitbread of enforced gentrification.”

London mayor Boris Johnson added: “We can either have a city wiped clean of low-income troglodytes or we can spend millions encircling London’s hard-working neighbourhoods with 14ft high security fences.

“This will not destroy the social fabric of the east end it will just make it the sort of social fabric one could imagine sharing witty remarks with at a summer drinks party.”

Meanwhile, the first consignment of untermenschen stumbled from their bus, blinking and confused, to be faced with the harsh reality of Stoke-on-Trent.

Emma Bradford, a single mother of two, said: “Fuck.”



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Miliband definitely weird, says cast of Room With a View

ED Miliband is a definitely an oddball, according to most of the people who were in Room With a View.

As Helena Bonham-Carter revealed that she thinks of David Cameron as her on-screen brother Freddy Honeychurch, Labour confirmed that Mr Miliband has been friends with rest of the Merchant-Ivory ensemble for more than 20 years.

But Julian Sands, who found fame as George Emerson, said: “You know how in Room With a View I play this total weirdo?

“Well, in real life Ed Miliband is a bit like that, except he can’t climb trees or play tennis.”

Meanhwile, Daniel Day Lewis disagreed, adding: “He’s more like my character, Cecil Vyse, poncing about like a total fanny.

“If you want to know what Ed Miliband is like away from the TV cameras, then imagine Cecil trying to kick a football.”

Dame Maggie Smith said: “He reminds me of my character, Cousin Charlotte, determined to interfere with everything and being permanently offended.”

And Simon Callow, who played the Reverend Mr Bebe, added: “Every time we go for our New Year’s Day walk Ed always wants me and Julian to join him for a naked splash fight in a freezing, filthy pond.

“How fucking weird is that?”