Olympics to feature 24-hour Sunday looting

SHOPS will be available for looting during the Olympics 24 hours a day, including Sundays.

The government will this week pass a temporary amendment to Britain’s Sunday looting laws to guarantee shopping precincts in every major town and city are completely ransacked seven days a week.

Ministers also want to ensure London can cater for the combined frustrations of an especially vindictive tube strike and the seemingly unremitting tedium of the Olympic games.

A spokesman said: “When this finally boils over into a orgy of greedy violence it’s important everyone gets a chance to steal something from Currys.

“People who do not like the Olympics should be able to steal themselves a better TV on which to not watch it.”

The legislation will effectively ban chief constables from deploying riot control all day Sunday. The spokesman added: “During last year’s riots the police did not appear until the Sunday. It felt very old fashioned.”

But pressure groups claim the move will further undermine British society, insisting that Sunday is a day for stealing things from churches.

And critics also insisted the legislation is unnecessary as every constable in the UK will probably spend the entire Olympics policing the dressage in a field near Swindon.

Meanwhile, some Christians said they will refuse to loot on a Sunday, following the example of Eric Liddell, the hero of Chariots on Fire.



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Osborne mistakes himself for WWE wrestler

GEORGE Osborne has pledged to crack down on tax avoidance by pretending to be Hulk Hogan.

Appearing on BBC1’s Andrew Marr Reads the Papers, the chancellor took off his tie, tied it around his head and beat on his chest, before launching into a 10 minute-long, heavily scripted tirade.

Mr Osborne said: “If you ain’t down with stamp duty, it’s my duty to stamp you down.” He then threatened to ‘drop a load on those who don’t pay tax on their abode’.

Waggling his finger aggressively into the camera, he promised to personally visit stamp duty evaders across the UK, and introduce them to his friend, ‘The Reverend HMRC of the House of Pain’.

He added: “If you’re evading monies payable on land and property transactions above a certain value, I’ll tear you a new loophole.”

Mr Osborne also warned Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls that he would ‘come down on him so hard he’d think Godzilla had mistaken him… for… some sort of… of chair’ before admitting that one had not quite worked.

He then emitted a high-pitched noise that sounded like an unwell cat or a toddler that doesn’t like peas.

Pulling on a gold lamé cape, the Chancellor left with two women in silver bikinis and outsize cowboy hats, to a tinny rendition of Simply the Best by Tina Turner.