Only possible reason to drop litter is ‘being a dick’, say experts
SCIENTISTS have been unable to identify a single worthwhile reason for dropping litter.
As Britain becomes submerged in crisp packets and other non bio-degradable detritus, researchers struggled to find a reason why you would not just put it in the fucking bin.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If someone robs a loaf of bread from the supermarket, or even a ton of money from a bank, you can kind of get that. It’s fulfilling a need or desire.
“Even if someone does a murder, maybe the victim was a viral marketing expert which would make it understandable.
“But there is nothing to be gained by chucking your empty Tango can, Quavers Grab Bag or Minstrels packet on the floor.
“They will not rot. The wind will not carry them away like wishes, they will just gather in the nearest hedge looking horrible and making everyone depressed.”
Professor Brubaker confirmed that there were bins absolutely everywhere: “You cannot walk down a street without tripping over bins.
“They are big and bin-shaped, perfect for putting things into.”
Dirty bastard Tom Booker said: “I just use things up and then discard them willy nilly – friends, partners, Twix wrappers.
“I am wrong in the soul, you wouldn’t like me.”