Our jobs are not even slightly dignified, Britain points out

THE prime minister’s promise to give everyone “the dignity of a job” has confused Britons whose jobs are a humiliating parade of shame.

The prime minister’s plan for blue-collar conservatism, which has seen his cabinet puzzling their way through Bruce Springsteen’s Born To Run, ignores the facts that most jobs offer all the dignity of greased clowns in a mudpit.

Burger chain employee Stephen Malley said: “I have to wear a hair-net, a beard-net, and a badge showing exactly how well I’m progressing which is why drunks hail me with ‘Oi, one-star, there’s sick on the floor.’

“Barry Chuckle has more gravitas in the workplace than me.”

Marketing manager Carolyn Ryan agreed: “Officially, my job is to sell our company to B2B clients, but actually it’s to dance like a monkey puppet at the behest of my superior.

“Last week he rewrote my presentation so it made no sense and then, when I was halfway through it, stopped me to tell everyone how wrong I was while I stood there like a drooping erection at a Royal garden party.”

Cameron followed up his promise by saying everyone deserves “the pride of a pay cheque”, prompting new employment minister Priti Patel to ask if he had ever heard of BACS payments.

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Potential Farage replacements include something that has never been out of its cellar

UKIP may try to keep Nigel Farage as leader because its strongest candidate is a humanoid known only as ‘Beast’.

The party is set reject Farage’s resignation after looking at its other options and deciding they were too frightening.

A UKIP spokesman said: “Everyone else in the running looks like something from the Star Wars cantina.

“There is strong grass roots support for ‘Beast’, the man-like carnivore that inhabits the basement of UKIP HQ and is fed on a diet of illegal foreigners.

“However there is concern that Beast’s meat-based agenda may alienate our relatively moderate supporters. But maybe an insatiable craving for human flesh is the breath of fresh air that politics needs.”