Parents briefing kids on what to say they've been taught at home

HOMESCHOOLED children are memorising a list of educational activities to  claim they completed when their teachers ask. 

Children are being rigorously schooled in lying about the breadth and depth of their learning, how little screen time they had and how mummy never drinks wine before noon.

Mum Carolyn Ryan said: “You’ve nailed the Key Stage 2 curriculum, you’ve learned to play oboe, and you’re semi-fluent in Portuguese. Okay? Read that back to me.

“I’ve spent eight weeks WhatsApping about what a breeze homeschooling’s been, and now it’s come to the crunch. The last thing I need is my daughter flapping her trap and blowing my cover.

“This morning we’re drilling in the incredible science experiments she did, and in the afternoon we’re learning by heart all her creative tasks. Then she’s got a solid hour of repeating ‘No Miss, I wasn’t on TikTok’ just to get it down.

“Under no circumstances should she mention that I’m never out of bed before This Morning. The teachers might call it a gagging order, I call it looking out for her future.”

Ten-year-old daughter Ellie said: “Mum wants me to lie about my achievements to make her look good? I didn’t expect things to go back to normal this fast.”

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Hydroxychloroquine also gives me the power of flight, says Trump

PRESIDENT Trump has asserted that not only does hydroxychloroquine make him immune to the coronavirus, it grants him the power of flight. 

The president claims to have been taking the anti-malaria drug for a week-and-a-half and said that on Sunday he hit a golf ball into the Earth’s ionosphere then flew faster than the speed of sound to catch it.

He continued: “Also I can see through walls now. Straight through. It’s like they’re not there. And the things I can see, believe me.

“Not medically recommended? I knew you’d say that, because I can prophesy the future. Boy, you look dumb when the facts come out about this stuff. I’m laughing because I just watched you getting fired next year.

“My hands emit a kind of blue energy that’s completely clean. It’s beautiful. I travel through time now. I just dated Cleopatra while my other body was building a golf course on Mars.

“All Americans should take hydroxychloroquine. That’s not an order but it’s an order. We’ll all be cured and I’ll do very well in the election. Now I’m going to fly into the sun. Okay? Okay.”

Fox News anchor Nikki Hollis said: “So that’s all true. Next: why the coronavirus is microscopic Obama.”