Saturday, 30th May 2020

Woman not sure what's so f**king amazing about garden centres

A WOMAN has made a post-lockdown visit to her local garden centre only to wonder what the f**k is meant to be so vital about it. 

Carolyn Ryan waited outside for half-an-hour then wandered around between rows of potted orchids, racks of seeds and wrought iron furniture attempting to get some kind of buzz but finding only confusion.

She said: “I just don’t get the hype. Why have we rushed to open these? A few weeks ago we were furious with people buying videogames, but the nation had a dire need to buy wooden ‘It’s always gin o’clock when you’re retired!’ signs?

“Plus the demographic is terrifying. These are exactly the people who shouldn’t be at risk. Let’s just say I felt very out of place without a gilet.

“I bought a weeping fig, I’ll probably kill it. Next time I go on a day trip I’m heading to the tip. Now there’s a place where memories are made.”