Estate agent puzzled that Tuesday clap for estate agents not catching on

AN estate agent cannot understand why Britons have not got behind clapping and cheering on Tuesdays for house-selling middlemen.

Martin Bishop, currently showing properties to a tiny number of social-distancing clients, started a Facebook campaign to applaud his profession on Tuesday nights but so far has heard nothing.

Bishop said: “I just don’t get it. Do people not realise what we sacrifice for this job?

“We’re out there risking our lives just like doctors and nurses, but it’s as if people don’t appreciate our vital role helping them purchase an overpriced property, or the many associated charges.

“We’re not glamorous life-saving glory boys, but if you’re not dead you need a house to live in, whether a crumbling country cottage or a pokey one-bedroom flat with mental neighbours that cripples you financially.

“So come on, people. Get out there and show your love for the shiny-suited guys and gals fighting the coronavirus for no reward except a hefty commission.”

Emma Bradford, a recent client of Bishop, said: “Martin just chucked the keys in the porch and sat in his Audi fiddling with his phone. He’s my hero.”

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Take a holiday of the mind, says Guardian philosopher who can f**k off

A PHILOSOPHER writing for the Guardian who has proposed that Britons take a ‘holiday of the mind’ clearly needs to f**k off.

Denys Finch Hatton suggested that rather than fly to a beautiful sunny island with white sand beaches everyone can simply sit cross-legged and take a spiritual journey instead, the wanker.

Guardian reader Helen Archer said: “He said – he genuinely said – that sitting in a room of the house and ‘really observing it for the first time’ and noticing light and thinking of stuff I was grateful for could be as good as a fortnight in Sardinia.

“‘Travel is a state of mind’, he said. Somebody slap the arsehole in a maximum security jail then, and we’ll all watch the happy look on his face as he journeys within.

“Generally I read the Guardian because I’m reasonable and left wing but I now realise, in terms of holidays, I might as well be reading the Sun.

“I need an actual holiday experienced by my body. You know, one with sunshine, alcohol and as little engagement from my mind as possible.”