Parents who listen to child discover he is a f**kwit

A COUPLE who dutifully listen to their six-year-old son have reached the conclusion that he is a complete idiot.

Tom and Emma Booker had believed stimulating conversations with son Jasper would aid his personal development, but now favour getting him to shut up by giving him sweets.

Emma Booker said: “I’d assumed Jasper would be full of charming childish questions about the world that I could try to answer, but he just talks shit.

“I thought his toy dinosaurs might lead to a discussion of meteorites and evolution. He prefers throwing them across the room while shouting ‘ATTACK LAUNCHERS!’, whatever that means.

“There was a glimmer of hope when he asked me where bees live. I gave quite a good explanation of life in a hive, but then he asked me where aeroplanes live. He’s just an idiot.”

Tom Booker said: “Jasper makes up incoherent stories about children’s TV characters and tells me about them until I want to cry. I think he’s the reincarnation of a pub bore.

Jasper Logan said: “Today I drew a spaceship which is powered by cats and has 50 rooms.”

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Nick Clegg publishes Nectar points statement

NICK Clegg has made public his Sainsbury’s Nectar account in a bid for transparency over his finances.

The document, which runs to almost seven pages, lists his purchases for the last three years, mostly from the motorway services just south of Sheffield.

The former ‘deputy prime minister’ said: “I am happy to answer any questions on this matter, or any other matter. Seriously, I’ll even do LBC.”

Financial analysts are comparing his purchases of scotch eggs and grab bags of Maltesers in 2014 to see if there is any correlation with policies he supported while in the coalition.

However, Clegg has been criticised for his partial disclosure by the one person who read it and has been asked to confirm how many stamps he has on his Starbucks card.