Pensioner thinks having a job once means he should get everything free

A PENSIONER who worked all his life like most people in the UK somehow believes it entitles him to getting everything for free.

Roy Hobbs seems to think his experience of having a job is unique and he should therefore get more free stuff on top of his bus pass, winter fuel payments and other perks.

71-year-old Hobbs said: “All my life I’ve worked in offices, slaving over reports and and lifting heavy phones. It was good honest graft. You won’t find young people doing that these days.

“I already get a lot of free things but I feel I should get more, like not having to pay at Sainsbury’s. I’d also like a camper van. I could easily buy one myself but I think society owes it to me.

“Frankly all the piddling little free things like free eye tests and National Trust discounts are an insult. It’s my generation that had parents who stormed the Normandy beaches.”

Hobbs is currently lobbying his MP to get his contribution to office work recognised with a war-style memorial in his local town centre and a free houseboat for him and his wife.

He added: “I still get flashbacks to working late several times in an insurance office in the 1980s. Nothing can erase those memories, except maybe a free gas-fired barbecue.”

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Woman finds men don't like constructive criticism of dick pics

A WOMAN who receives unsolicited pictures of penises has discovered that the men who send them do not seem to appreciate her feedback.

Nikki Hollis installed a dating app in the hope of meeting interesting men to have a drink with, but instead found herself confronted by a deluge of cocks.

Hollis said: “If you’re going to unexpectedly send me a picture of your knob I’m going to tell you it looks like a diseased mushroom sitting on a bit of mouldy carpet.

“It’s not normal to do that after we’ve only exchanged a couple of messages about the weather. And from an aesthetic point of view could you at least shoot it from a flattering angle and get the lighting right?

“There’s no way I’m shagging someone who can’t even take the time to make their flaccid, sweaty penis look better in Photoshop, or at the very least, Microsoft Paint.

“I also reserve the right to comment on anything else I can see in the picture, including your hideous interior decorating and whether your watch immediately marks you out as a twat.

“Also whether you need to take your pants to your mum’s to get them washed.”