People who don't buy a house will never be happy

ANYONE who can’t get a mortgage may as well kill themselves, according to a new survey.

According to new government statistics, anyone still renting their home past the age of about 39 is going to die alone and unloved, in the knowledge that they have failed on the most fundamental level.

Estate agent Tom Logan said: “Mortgage lending is soaring, basically everyone owns a house now apart from complete social pariahs.

“Every day I’m selling houses to confident, fertile young couples who are going to make all the rooms delightful and then fill them with happy, obedient children.

“Eventually they will buy another, larger house. Their friends will come over for high quality food and wine, and they will discuss each others’ houses.

“Obviously their social group won’t include people who rent. What would they talk about? How the landlord has consistently failed to fix their broken cooker because he doesn’t consider them fully human?

“Not to be unkind, but you don’t really want renters in your house because the stench of abject failure really gets in the back of your throat.”

36-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I’d never worried that much about buying a house. We rent a flat, which means getting to live in a place and be broke, same as if we’d bought it.

“But as I grow older and more mentally vulnerable, I realise I was wrong. I do hope the bank or government will lend us more money than we could ever hope to pay back.

“Then we will be happy, because happiness is not being different.”

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These baby photos are very poor, do them again, says Britain

THE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have been told to do new photos of Prince George because the first lot are dreadful.

The couple released photos taken by the Duchess’s father to create a ‘more intimate, family feel’ but have now been assured that it was an appalling idea and someone should be sacked.

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “They must think we have incredibly low standards and will put up with any old crap that is thrown our way.

“I don’t know what we did to make them think they could get away with something this shoddy.”

Bill McKay, from Doncaster, said: “If this is their idea of an official photograph then I’m starting to question the whole idea of monarchy.

“I’m sure they think they are being modern and relaxed, but in actual fact they are being unprofessional.

“If they want us to believe that being royal is a ‘job’ then they do need to actually do it. This is amateur hour and I’m having none of it.”

He added: “And if I find out they are raising this child without an army of nannies I will be absolutely livid.”

Nikki Hollis, from Hatfield, said: “I pay good money for the Royal Family and the deal includes professional photography. Not this compact, point-and-shoot dog vomit.

“Do it again, you incompetent arsewits.”