Car alarm sound not associated with car being stolen

EVERYONE assumes car alarms are just going off for no reason, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that the standard response to the sound of a car alarm was to remain in bed while hoping that it doesn’t go on all night.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “You can basically go and steal any car you want, no one will even bother to look out of the window.

“Even the owner will just be like ‘oh it’s just my car alarm going off, probably it’ll stop after a bit’.”

36-year-old Tom Logan said: “It’s not a nice noise which is why I was quite glad when, after fifteen minutes of electronic bleating, some teenagers finally managed to drive my car off.

“Even now I’m not sure if the alarm was going off because my car was being nicked, or whether the theft just happened to coincide with one of its regular malfunctions.

“Probably the latter.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “When I hear a car alarm on my street, my first thought is ‘fuck I’d better close the window’.

“Then I feel a creeping sense of resentment towards the owner.

“Same with burglar alarms and fire alarms. I’ll get up to have a look at if I hear a police helicopter though, because helicopters are cool.”

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Cameron asked to describe back pain in minute detail

DAVID Cameron has been asked to intricately describe the agony his bad back is causing him.

After the prime minister’s painful back forced the cancellation of a hunting trip, the country leaned forward in its seat and asked him just how much it hurts.

Bus driver Wayne Hayes said: “Can the PM say, for instance, whether it feels likes a hot, jagged piece of glass is being twisted between his vertebrae? Because I’d really, really like to know if it does.”

Cameron’s injury has prompted the launch of a nationwide children’s painting competition, with a £10 book token for the best picture of his face contorted in blinding agony.