PRINCE Philip has discharged himself from hospital so he can be the latest person to say something hellish about rape.
The 91-year-old royal was agitated after recent emissions from George Galloway and Congressman Todd Akin, and moved immediately to strengthen his constitutional role of saying horrific things about sensitive subjects.
A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: Hes spent the past day or so pacing about his hospital room mumbling about ‘thighs’ and ‘urges’. Every time a nurse came in, hed shout skank! at them until they left.
I think hes building up to say something sensationally off-colour about sexual assault. How bad? As bad as youd expect from a 91 year-old member of the aristocracy with a knackered bladder and penchant for shooting anything that moves.”
Philip will make his statement to Nuts magazine later today whilst competing in their celebrity tournament to see how many darts he can throw at a picture of Andrea Dworkin whilst downing shots of Sambuca with Danny Dyer.
Twitter has been put on high alert in readiness for the predicted outrage and all leave has been cancelled for anyone with enough IT skills to Photoshop a picture of Philip into a poster for The Accused.
Meanwhile, women across the UK have agreed that rape may now be only slightly worse than hearing George Galloway use the word ‘insertion’.
Helen Archer, chair of support group Women Who Heard George Galloway Say Insertion, added: “Typical reactions are the fear that you will never sleep again and the haunted, haggard look of someone who fought at the Battle of Stalingrad.
“Use the freephone number. Someone is waiting to talk to you. There is no such thing as legitimate Galloway.”