Phone hacking not right-wing

HACKING a mobile phone is not the same as opposing gay marriage, it has emerged.

As former newspaper the Daily Mirror was accused of intercepting celebrity phone messages, experts admitted the practice could be non-ideological.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Every single one of our calculations pointed to phone hacking being the same as creationism or kicking a poor person in the mouth.

“We didn’t like the people who did it and so it was obvious they did it because of all the other reasons we didn’t like them.

“Science had agreed that phone hacking was the inevitable consequence of privatising British Rail and crushing the NUM.”

He added: “However, it may actually have been caused by lazy journalists desperate to get stories so they wouldn’t get shouted at by their screwed-up fucknugget of a boss.

“Therefore we may have to conclude that lazy journalists can be both right and left wing.

“And this is remarkable because surely it is only either left wing or right wing people who are lazy and dishonest.

“It can’t possibly be both.”

Professor Brubaker said the Mirror revelations could have a profound effect on the phone hacking issue if it finally stopped people from talking shit about it all the time.



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Society to be dismantled following Savile scandal

RUPERT Murdoch is to assume control of England in the wake of revelations about the DJ Jimmy Savile.

The government has announced plans to end society as we know it, starting with scrapping the license fee, abolishing the welfare state and banning so-called ‘grooming products’ like shampoo.

When a blank slate has been achieved Rupert Murdoch will assume the role of emperor, presiding over a nation where paedophilia is impossible because free will is banned and physical contact between humans punishable by death.

David Cameron said: “Our society is irredeemably corrupt. Even seemingly innocuous things like seat belt laws really are about restraining children for the benefit of predators.

“In order to protect children and ensure this can never happen again, Britain will become the state of Ruponia, where sexual urges can only be indulged vicariously via ‘celebrity nipple slip’ pictures in newspapers.

“Reproduction will happen via test tubes, freeing up your valuable time for working and consuming.”

Rupert Murdoch said, “With all state assets transferring to the hands of private corporations, no longer will rich and powerful men be able to manipulate ordinary, vulnerable people to their own, immoral ends.

“At News International, we have always thought first and foremost of the children.”