Pineapple on pizza, and other furious debates sane people don't give a shit about

BEEN sucked into one of those pointless arguments about something utterly trivial? Maybe you should learn from well-adjusted people with actual lives, who don’t give a shit.

Pineapple on pizza

It might challenge tradition, but it’s hardly the personality-defining red flag that people on dating apps think it is. Although if someone likes their toppings to include pieces of Toblerone or a sprinkling of Tic Tacs, that’s cause for concern. But pineapple pizza is only slightly quirky, and what does ‘winning’ this argument involve? Prison sentences for all Hawaiian pizza eaters? Seems a bit harsh for liking a pizza topping.

Everything to do with scones

Scones are a powder keg of debate for boring people who are yet to encounter genuine life problems. Who cares how they’re pronounced? What difference does it make how you lay on the jam and cream? It’s all going to be churned up in your mouth in a matter of seconds so it’s not worth worrying about. And to settle the debate, they’re pronounced ‘scoans’.

Where the North begins

Due to the lack of a towering rampart spanning the width of the country with ‘Here be the North’ daubed on it in massive letters, the divide is somewhat nebulous. And that’s before tedious pricks from the midlands weigh in with their useless whinging. The best way to settle this age-old debate is to not think about it. In any case the answer is well-known if you’re a Southern ponce – it’s a straight horizontal line just above Watford.

What bread rolls are called

Imagine having enough free time that you get incensed by regional terms for a bread roll. If you refer to them as cobs, power to you. Prefer to call them barm cakes? That’s cool as well. Language is a multi-faceted wonder so enjoy its vast vocabulary. For example, people who get riled up about bread rolls are morons, bellends, cretins, halfwits, knobheads, shitheads – and that’s just a tiny fraction of the rich language of the Bard.

How to hang toilet paper

Installing toilet roll so that a sheet hangs over the top makes slightly more sense in terms of aesthetics and functionality, but it’s hardly the end of the world if bog paper faces the other way round. Just be grateful it’s there at all and start wiping. It’s those bulky, locked dispensers that are always clogged up you should be mad about. Jesus, you could punch the f**king wall just thinking about them.

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Being best man: Things people say are an honour but are actually a pain in the arse

BEEN asked by someone you love to do something special for them? Yep, it’s going to be a massive ballache with no benefit to you, isn’t it? Just like these ‘flattering’ offers.

Being best man

While it’s flattering that your mate values you so much, it quickly becomes clear that his wedding is now your full-time job, and you have to organise the stag, help him pick out a suit and calm his pre-wedding jitters, all on top of writing a speech that is both heartfelt and hilarious, without being too much of either. You begin wondering how to get yourself relegated to second-best friend.

Becoming a godparent

Initially you’re thrilled that your friends want to bestow this honour on you, but you soon realise how much of your time and money it’s going to take up. Birthday and Christmas presents, Easter eggs and back-to-school gifts are all expected, as is your presence at every single milestone, however minor. And if the parents both tragically die, you end up with a kid. You wish you’d said no, on religious grounds.

Doing a reading at a funeral

An honour, yes, but the weight of it is just too much. What if you trip up the step on your way to the lectern like a clown? What if you can’t get the words out? What if you’ve accidentally put a shopping list in your pocket instead of the poem you’ve been asked to read? What if you start giggling out of sheer nerves? You’ve done some regrettable things in your life, but you don’t fancy being ‘the person who ruined the funeral’.

Being keynote speaker at a conference

You’re at the top of your professional game, which is why the organisers of this conference want you to give the keynote speech. Yes. Which sounds great, but in practice you can’t get shitfaced the night before because you have to be on form for your slot and the next day is a protracted nightmare because you’re so nervous. Also you weren’t really chosen because you’re so brilliant at your job. It’s just that no other mug would agree to do it.

Meeting a member of the Royal Family

Prince William and Princess Kate are visiting your workplace and you’ve been chosen to shake hands with them. Your boss thinks you’ll be thrilled but actually you’re gripped with nervousness. You nip to the pub at lunchtime, then feel even more anxious you’ll be sacked for breathing booze fumes all over perfect Kate. Then they only stay for four minutes, only shake hands with a couple of people, not including you, and your lasting memory of this momentous day is going back to your desk and doing some work.