How to f**k up ordering food from an app

THANKS to apps you can have food delivered direct to your gaping maw. But despite it supposedly being a piss-easy modern convenience, here’s how it can go horribly wrong.

Select the wrong location

Simply enter your address wrongly in your slavering desire for some questionable chow mein, or click on an old address, or it might just default to that anyway. You’ve now given a whole Chinese meal to a quick-thinking chancer who recognises a freebie. Just hope the MSG kills him.

Keep pressing

Occasionally your basket takes a second or two to process what you’re ordering. Ignore this and keep tapping repeatedly. You may even be hungry enough to eat 16 portions of chicken wings, if you’re a puma. If you realise you’ve overordered, curse the app and ring them instead, undergoing the usual humiliation of ordering from an ‘amusing’ pizza menu, eg. ‘I’d like a Big Man’s Mighty Meaty Mouthful.’

Tinker obsessively with the order

One sure-fire way to f**k-up the order is to micro-manage ingredients and add ridiculous notes, until you end up ordering a plain burger with no bun, one slice of pickle under melted Double Gloucester, streaky bacon – fried NOT grilled, a layer of ‘not too salsa-y salsa’ and chips which are ‘fatter than fries, but not as fat as steak chips’. The next time you try ordering from that restaurant shamefacedly notice they’ve simplified the menu options to stop twats like you wasting their time.

Don’t check anything

Food apps usually allow you to check your order before placing it. Ignore this and barrel straight through to paying without making sure you deselected the two huge 15” pizzas you clicked on before opting for two medium pizzas instead. Only realise you’ve spent 80 f**king quid on indifferent chain restaurant pizza when it’s too late.

Don’t place the order

You’ve chosen the food, checked the order, and now it’s just the waiting, and waiting. People may question whether you placed the order correctly. Assure them you are not blindingly stupid and everything is under control. Then check your phone and see the untapped ‘Order now’.

Order just before the shop closes

The app says the shop closes in three minutes, so place your order a generous 45 seconds before the cut-off point. Confidently await your food knowing the staff will definitely work late to provide you with a £4.99 kebab.

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Scientists no closer to understanding why morning erections are a thing

BRITAIN’S top scientists are still struggling to explain morning boners and what evolutionary advantage they may confer. 

A multi-billion pound research project by the Institute for Studies failed to identify any concrete benefits of 7.30am erections except giving the owner the brief illusion of great virility.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There is no apparent benefit to waking up with a stiffie. Procreation? No. Your partner is likely still asleep and unless you’ve evolved minty-fresh morning breath that’s off the cards.

“We thought it may have some role in warding off predators. However an experiment with a naked tumescent man in a cage with several lions had distressing results and that line of research was discontinued.”

Study participant Tom Logan said: “I can barely muster the energy to brush my teeth in the mornings, so what on earth am I supposed to do with five and a quarter inches of premium Logan hardwood?

“And yet I can never get one when needed. My girlfriend can spend 20 minutes giving the little fella the massage of his life and if it’s not happening it’s not happening. 

“However, after a nap where I’ve a had a panic-inducing nightmare about Skrulls taking over the local Halfords I’m hard as nails. It’s madness.”