Don't watch TikToks, and other cinema etiquette that should be f**king obvious

DO you treat a trip to the cinema as if it’s just another evening in your living room? Perhaps try observing these basic, undemanding rules that a f**king potato could understand.

Don’t watch TikToks

Watching TikToks without headphones anywhere is twatty, but the cinema is a special sort of shared space. You may love wasting your life on morons dancing to sped-up songs but others may have come to a film called Oppenheimer to follow the story of J Robert Oppenheimer. Also, why do you have to watch TikTok now? You don’t take your washing-up to Glastonbury so you can do it while Guns N’ Roses are on.

Don’t talk loudly

You’re not on Gogglebox, so you don’t need to make a ‘witty’ remark every time something happens, or ask where you know every actor from. The film will be out on streaming soon anyway, so you can ruin your flatmates’ enjoyment instead of that of 100 strangers. Oh. You were planning to do that as well.

Don’t sit in someone else’s seat

If you’ve been assigned a particular seat, sit in it – at least until you’re 100 per cent sure a seat you’d prefer is definitely empty. Choosing a random one and then being offended when the actual ticket holder asks you to move is annoying and boring. That’s why the film isn’t called Indiana Jones and the Tiresome Twat’s Cinema Seat Confusion.

Don’t bring a picnic

The rustle of sweet packets and popcorn is distracting enough without you sneaking in a lunchbox full of loud snacks, each of which needs to be individually unwrapped during pivotal moments of the film. Will the Flash have to accept he can’t change time to stop his mother being murdered? Dunno – everyone missed that bit because you’re faffing about with some dips for a massive bag of Doritos. 

Don’t treat it like a hotel room

It may be dark but everyone is very much aware of you and your partner going at it in Row G. Why didn’t you stay at home? It’s unlikely you’re being massively turned on by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, unless you had your first sexual experience in a vivarium. Show some decorum and f**k against a dumpster round the back of the multiplex like normal people.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Holly put dogshit in my hair': Inside the bullying culture of This Morning

YOU wouldn’t expect an ultra-bland daytime show like This Morning to have a ‘toxic culture’, but the allegations keep on coming. Here former researcher Carl (not his real name) reveals what went on.

‘Bogwash breaks’ 

Whenever we cut to adverts Phillip and Holly would decide who got a ‘bogwash’. Luckily when it came to my turn it was early morning and the ITV toilets were fairly clean, but I still had a strong gut feeling this shouldn’t be happening in a professional broadcasting setting.

Philip made us worship him like a god

When we arrived at the studio we had to worship a huge gold idol of Schofield. If Phil entered the room in person, in his robes, we had to kneel before him and ask his forgiveness for our many mortal weaknesses. ‘Ye shall worship no other god than me,’ he used to remind us before Spin to Win. Obviously this was a problem for one staff member who was a devout Catholic. Soon afterwards they took her away. I don’t know what happened to her, but I remember a distinct smell of burning all the way through Alice Beer’s consumer advice.

Physical bullying

As soon as Phil saw you he’d give you a wedgie. Not a jokey one either – one that went right up your bumcrack and lifted you off the ground. It got worse though – Holly got some dogshit on a ruler once and rubbed it in my hair. Things like this happened every day. When Olivia Colman was a guest she ran over and gave me a dead arm for no reason. That’s how ingrained the bullying was.

Verbal abuse

The name-calling was horrendous – all day I’d be called ‘poof’, ‘bender’, ‘batty boy’. Often Phil and Holly would ask you what team you supported, and if it wasn’t Stoke City who they supported one of their gang of producers would punch you in the bollocks. Believe me, it’s really difficult to check Jesy from Little Mix’s availability with Phil shouting ‘I’ve shagged your mum!’ in your ear. I don’t even think that really happened.

Facebook bullying

The internet has brought a new set of bullying issues. I’d get home from work, go on Facebook and there’d be dozens of messages: ‘u suck’, ‘do the world a favor and kill yureself (sic)’, ‘gonna f**k you up bad during [the] cookery segment’. My mum tried to get me moved to a different daytime TV show, but there weren’t any places at Homes Under the Hammer.

Holly would make you fight a wild animal

In TV, everyone falls over themselves to keep ‘the talent’ happy. Holly brought in millions for ITV, so they let her indulge her hobby of pitting members of staff against wild animals. It could be a bear, a stag, a pack of wolves, a lion if she could get one. I was forced to enter the arena armed only with a pointed stick to fight a bull. It was touch and go, and I got gored four times, but finally I managed to stab the beast in the throat. If you want a career in TV you have be flexible and committed though, so I suppose that was fair enough.

A code of silence

If you tried to complain, as I did, you were labelled a snitch. When I sat down in the canteen people moved to another table. One morning I woke up to find a severed gopher’s head in my bed. We all knew what that meant. Most disturbingly, throughout the day I’d get threatening texts saying ‘snitches get stitches’. I think it was just bravado, but I still don’t believe that’s an appropriate way for an HR department to behave.

Tomorrow: I thought things would improve when Phillip and Holly were separated. Then Dermot O’Leary pissed in my rucksack.