Pirate role play limited to saying ‘Aaar'

PIRATE personas are limited to saying one syllable in a funny voice, it has been confirmed.

Invitees to ‘Jamie’s 30th Pirate Party’ described how they struggled to create any real depth in their swashbuckling alter egos.

Guest Tom Logan said: “Considering how every outing and social event these days is pirate-themed, I wanted to have a good stab at this.

“I even did a preparatory brainstorm, using a whiteboard to write down words like ‘booty’, ’treasure’ and ‘muskets’. Really trying to get under the skin of the pirate as it were, thinking about what drives him to sail his ship around.

“However in practice this all boiled down to saying ‘Aaar’ and ‘Aahaar’.”

Fellow pirate party attendee Nikki Hollis said: “At first it was really fun waving our plastic cutlasses around. That lasted about half an hour.

“I don’t know what else pirates do apart from steal things and murder people, both of which are socially unacceptable.

“By 10pm everyone was saying ‘Aaar’ really unenthusiastically. It had become more like a mutual groan.”

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Crowd greets record-breaking Rooney goal with open contempt

ENGLAND fans have celebrated Wayne Rooney’s record-breaking 50th goal with chants explaining why it isn’t a big deal.

The crowd responded to Rooney’s goal against Switzerland with cries of ‘Charlton scored his as a midfield playmaker’ and ‘Friendlies shouldn’t count’. 

Fan Stephen Malley said: “The minute the ball hit the back of the net, I unfurled my banner reading ‘You’d never have got this record if not for the fragmentation of the Eastern Bloc’ and held it high. 

“‘One Wayne Rooney, there’s only one Wayne Rooney and he has manifestly failed to fulfil his potential’ echoed around Wembley. 

“We’ve launched a petition to have an asterisk against his name in the record books and a footnote explaining that his single World Cup goal is a shameful achievement.

“Rooney is only England’s most successful striker if all context is disregarded.”

Fans across the nation curled their lips in disgust at the goal, and have promised that if a statue is erected they will refuse to look at it directly. 

Malley added: “However, I will concede that he’s better than Alan Shearer.”