Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It is your birthday. Collect £10 from each player.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Thursday you’re in a bar and they play Moves Like Jagger and it moves you into a philosophical reverie that we are all just hairless apes clinging onto a blue rock hurtling through space that we can barely comprehend.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Inspired by the BBC saying they’ll be a ‘hub of creativity’, on Monday you’ll vow that your company is ‘a nexus of inspiration’ by making 50 people redundant.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your pitch for this year’s Dragon’s Den – a worm-filled can fishermen can pack in their tackle box on fishing trips – goes badly when none of them are willing to open it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Concerns over your credit rating today after an online credit card application ends with the website making fart noises at you for twenty minutes.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Remember, life is too short to spend it worrying about how tragically, unreasonably short it is.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your star sign has been replaced, in a product placement deal, with Minions. Don’t get upset, it was only fish anyway.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
After spending a couple of hours this weekend with a bathroom designer in the showroom you realise the option you want is ‘Doesn’t smell like piss any more’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You face embarrassment tomorrow when your office manager points out that you’re the only person on the conference call still referring to heroin by the outdated term ‘skag’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Why not tiptoe up behind a work colleague this week and whisper “Just because I know your internet search history doesn’t mean I think any less of you”, then tiptoe away again?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Wine, pizza and a movie this Saturday night. Those 999 calls will just have to answer themselves.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This horoscope is made of 100% recycled letters from Russell Grant horoscopes.

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Queen wants ‘no fuss’ in case people realise what a massive blag it all is

THE Queen wants her jubilee celebrations kept low-key in case people realise the royal thing is a huge scam.

After her six decade reign, the Queen is well aware of what a cushy number she’s got going and does not want to draw attention to it.

She said: “As Queen you have to do some stuff but it is mostly easy, like going to other peoples’ palaces and eating multiple courses of old-fashioned duck dishes cooked in cream.

“But apart from the terrible indigestion, the Queen thing is generally very sweet indeed.

“Sometimes I have to go and look around schools, that’s dull.

“But I get to live in a big-ass house full of pictures of me. When I walk in a room everyone stands up, and I’m like ‘that’s right motherfuckers’.

“So it’s hardly surprising I don’t want any fuss, everyone would want a go.”