Polish man accused of deluging village

A POLISH man is overwhelming a village in Cornwall, it has been claimed.

Piotr Bacik arrived in Chapel Cross a year ago and local Tories fear that his presence will result in their children being forced to eat kielbasa for lunch every day.

Councillor Nikki Hollis said: “He swarms over here and it’s only a matter of time before we’re all walking around dressed like Lech Walesa and drinking schnapps or whatever the relevant sickly drink is.

“This used to be a nice, quiet village but now it has a Polish man living in it. Enough is enough.”

Hollis has promised residents an urgent review of the situation and has asked that the Polish man report his whereabouts to the police every morning until further notice.

Local resident Julian Cook said: “One only has to look at neighbouring Balcombe, which now has a World Foods section in its Tesco Metro, to see where this can lead.

“This isn’t racism – I’ve met Piotr and he’s a decent enough fellow if you can understand his guttural Slavic accent – but we’ve leapt from 123 residents to 124 in the last 12 months. We’re full.”

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Time travel possible just by getting everyone to agree on a new time

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that time travel is achievable simply by picking the desired time and getting everyone to go along with it.

After the UK successfully time-travelled by one hour last weekend, experts believe the technique of just making up a new time could be used to visit the Edwardian era or even to experience life among primitive cave tribes.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Time is all in the imagination, like the Loch Ness monster and consequence-free sexual intercourse. The basics of time travel are general consensus and good costumes.

“For example we could go back to 1854 next month simply by giving out top hats, getting children to work in factories and making people walk awkwardly, like they have rickets.

“Imagine what adventures might await us there.

“And if you want to go back to medieval times, just send an email a week before saying that everyone has to wear armour and that it will be ok to decapitate people for minor crimes.”

Professor Brubaker said it was also theoretically possibly to travel into the distant future by getting everyone to wear silver clothing and go up in hang gliders while listening to techno.