Russell Brand’s revolution to consist mainly of nutters

THE vanguard of Russell Brand’s revolution will be people who are out of their minds, it has been confirmed.

The entertainer has struggled to attract followers, but his suggestion of a US-led conspiracy behind 9/11 has led to thousands of nutters volunteering to overthrow the Bilderberg Group.

Julian Cook, a raving lunatic from Stevenage, said: “Finally I have a leader worthy of replacing the magic banjo that’s been telling me what to do since 1987.

“Now let’s talk about what’s happening on the moon.”

Jane Thompson, a fruitloop from Doncaster, added: “I just hope Russell Brand is not part of a US-led conspiracy to discredit the very idea of a revolution that would destroy capitalism and our stinking, fetid, so-called ‘democracy’.

“Or am I just a fictional character in a spoof news story that’s designed to discredit Russell Brand and is published on some glib fucking website that’s secretly owned by Dick Cheney?

“Bong!”

 

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New remote control doesn’t have any buttons that f**k up the TV

A NEW TV remote has no buttons that completely fuck up the television. 

The remote is just one-third the size of standard controls because all the buttons that make the screen go blue have been removed.

Inventor Roy Hobbs said: “Is there a market for remote controls which will not cast people into an infinite limbo of static? We’ll see.”

He added: “You can accidentally lean on it without having to work out what it means by ‘input’. And never again will you be trapped in ‘Channel HSN+1’. I’ve yet to meet someone who knows what that is.”

Viewer Tom Logan said: “My TV has been in Superzoom mode since 2009. Eventually I got used to the gigantic faces, but for the first four and a half years it was terrifying.

“Luckily the faces are sometimes hidden behind the ‘Audio Description’ and the sleep timer.”