Pot Noodle nostalgia misplaced

THE return of Pot Noodle manufacturing to the UK has reminded the public they are shit.

Support for Golden Wonder’s decision to make Pot Noodles in the UK instead of China was quickly replaced by indifference once everyone thought about them.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I had a Pot Noodle the other day. Unfortunately no amount of childhood nostalgia could stop me tasting it.

“Golden Wonder must have been amazed when they realised people would pay money for something that resembles edible rubber bands in hot water with a ‘vegetable’ stock cube crumbled in.

“Sorry, that’s unfair. You also get some bits of soya that are like polystyrene but without the richness of flavour. And don’t forget the irresistible freeze-dried peas.”

Food historian Donna Sheridan said: “Pot Noodle is not something any sane person would want to eat, so the only explanation must be the always enriching combination of ruthless marketing and 1970s nostalgia.

“Either that or people are just beasts who’ll eat anything as long as it doesn’t actually say ‘faeces’ on the packet.”

A spokesman for Golden Wonder said: “Pot Noodle remains one of Britain’s most popular snacks, although even we are puzzled as to how anyone can even think about the Beef & Tomato flavour without retching until they want to die.

“But do look out for exciting new flavours including Tripe & Vinegar, Savoury Chemical, and Arse in a Bucket.”

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Don't take parenting tips from Paltrow

Dear Holly,

My mother-in-law keeps criticising my parenting techniques and says I’m a bad mother. I’m thinking of getting my oldest son to go round and smash her windows in but I can’t get him to stop playing Call of Duty for long enough. How can I show her that mum knows best?
Dear Ingrid,

Just don’t take any parenting tips from Gwyneth Paltrow. Her children are called Turnip and Gomorrah, or something like that, and she’s got them on a strict microscopic diet, which basically means they’re only allowed to eat bulgar wheat and amoeba and other stuff that isn’t visible to the human eye. Gwyneth insists that this approach stops them suffering from food allergies and wheat intolerance, which is probably true, but they’ll only end up suffering in other ways, like when they get their heads flushed down the toilet by school bullies for being weirdo hippy freaks. Picture a life without fun size Mars Bars, and you’re faced with a black, black existence. No wonder Chris Martin from Coldplay is on suicide watch.

Hope that helps!