Tesco lays foundation for new level of hell

GIRAFFE restaurants attached to supermarkets promise a new era in soul-destruction, Tesco has claimed.

The company announced that it was now close to perfecting the experience of shopping for mystery animal parts in a windowless hangar staffed by polyester-clad accidents.

Tescologist Wayne Hayes said: “Now you can sit in a Giraffe watching somebody’s drooling ratbag smear ketchup into your coat while your ice cream melts in the boot of your car.

“Notify Dante, because we just laid the concrete for hell’s basement.”

He added: “Foreigners stroll around local markets before enjoying a tasty meal in a family-run restaurant and now we can have the same experience on a grey industrial estate where you can exchange your vouchers for some pretend happiness.”

Until yesterday Sainsburys was the champion of  retail misery by making people think of Jamie Oliver dribbling over their food every time they shopped as well as describing a mass-produced cottage pie like it was a new indie band.

But they were challenged strongly when Morrison’s paid Ant and Dec to prance around Britain pretending to talk to ruddy-faced suppliers while skilfully avoiding abattoirs and Eastern Europeans bent double over a beetroot field.

Hayes said: “You did it Tesco, you magnificent son of a bitch.”

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Vatican sticks with Nazi theme

THE Vatican has maintained its recent trend of choosing Popes who were adjacent to fascism.

The church said Argentinean Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio represented a natural progression from Benedict XVI as he had established a working relationship with extreme right-wingers as a fully grown adult.

A Vatican spokesman said: “John Paul II never stopped going on about how he fought against the Nazis in Poland. It got very boring and so when he finally died we decided to go with someone who had seen fascism from the other side.

“That worked out pretty well. Benedict was a lovely old Pope who let us get away with murder.

“Therefore, when he decided he wanted to do more crosswords, we started looking through the CVs for any hint of fascism. And obviously your elderly Argentineans are right up there.

“Not only did Argentina have its own fascist regime, they also harboured a shitload of Nazis. It really is the next best thing to having another ancient, shifty-looking German.

“And the great thing about this Pope is that he’s even more Catholic than the last one. Things are about to get very 15th Century around here. We’re all terribly excited.”

Meanwhile Pope Francis, the first Argentinean Jesuit elected to the Papacy, confirmed that ‘English sinners’ were at the ‘top of his list’.

Speaking from the balcony of the Vatican, he blessed the crowds in St Peter’s Square before cracking his knuckles and giving the English ‘a two day head start’.

He said: “I am coming for you and I don’t do forgiveness.”

The Vatican spokesman added: “We’re always amazed when people act surprised at the closeness of fascism and the Catholic Church. It’s as if they’re not paying attention.”