Tesco lays foundation for new level of hell

GIRAFFE restaurants attached to supermarkets promise a new era in soul-destruction, Tesco has claimed.

The restaurants are called 'Giraffe' because the food is mainly 'giraffe'

The restaurants are called ‘Giraffe’ because the food is mainly ‘giraffe’

The company announced that it was now close to perfecting the experience of shopping for mystery animal parts in a windowless hangar staffed by polyester-clad accidents.

Tescologist Wayne Hayes said: “Now you can sit in a Giraffe watching somebody’s drooling ratbag smear ketchup into your coat while your ice cream melts in the boot of your car.

“Notify Dante, because we just laid the concrete for hell’s basement.”

He added: “Foreigners stroll around local markets before enjoying a tasty meal in a family-run restaurant and now we can have the same experience on a grey industrial estate where you can exchange your vouchers for some pretend happiness.”

Until yesterday Sainsburys was the champion of  retail misery by making people think of Jamie Oliver dribbling over their food every time they shopped as well as describing a mass-produced cottage pie like it was a new indie band.

But they were challenged strongly when Morrison’s paid Ant and Dec to prance around Britain pretending to talk to ruddy-faced suppliers while skilfully avoiding abattoirs and Eastern Europeans bent double over a beetroot field.

Hayes said: “You did it Tesco, you magnificent son of a bitch.”