Psychopath expects adults to remain at child's birthday party

A MOTHER without pity or mercy expects other mums and dads to stay and celebrate her child’s birthday party, it has emerged.

Lucy Parry’s seventh birthday party contains nothing that appeals to people in their 30s and 40s, yet her remorseless mother demand other parents stay and enduring every loud and exhausting minute of it.

Hostage Ryan Whittaker said: “I thought I’d drop my son off then be out of there in five minutes. When I was handed a glass of squash and introduced to the other parents cowering in the corner I realised that wouldn’t be the case.

“Now I’ve got to waste my Saturday supervising other people’s children. I expect I’ll be forced to serve the little shits cake then clean it up after they’ve all been on the bouncy castle.

“Lucy’s the innocent one in all this, it’s her mum I blame. I let her enjoy an afternoon of freedom when my son had his Laser Quest party and this is how she repays me, by ‘letting’ me do the face painting? She’s unhinged.”

Lucy’s mum Emma said: “You wouldn’t have done anything productive with your free time anyway. Now shut up and look like you’re enjoying watching them play pass the parcel.”

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Britain calmly accepting train strikes as if trains had been f**ked for years

THE UK is offhandedly accepting frequent rail service closures as if they had been putting up with them as long as they remember.

An RMT strike means almost no trains are running today, which Britons have shrugged off as if a non-functioning rail network had been part of their daily lives for decades.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “No trains? No biggie. I’ll have to drive to London. What is it, engineering works, leaves on the line, or just no reason at all?

“Strikes? Retro. Why are they doing those? What, it’s meant to inconvenience me that the trains aren’t working? They’re lucky I even noticed.”

Commuter Helen Archer said: “These strikes are great. Imagine finding out your train’s cancelled not when you arrive at the station but days in advance.

“Normally I turn up at 7am and spend two hours on an overcrowded platform only to be stuffed onto a train that unexpectedly skips my station. Compared to that these strikes are an old-fashioned courtesy. The staff deserve a pay rise for being polite.”

Roy Hobbs of Manchester agreed: “It’s like I’ve always said: no train at all is immeasurably superior to a rail-replacement bus.”