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Bag of 400 IKEA tealights feels its moment is near

A BAG of 400 tealights from IKEA, bought in 2008 and languishing under the sink ever since, feels its moment of glory has finally come around.

The tealights, bought because they were unbelievably cheap, have seen little action in the last 14 years but are very excited to have heard about the energy crisis.

Upcoming three-hour blackouts mean the tealights, previously used one at a time for Halloween pumpkins, now expect to be placed gaily all around the house.

No longer a forgotten purchase, the tealights will become the sole sources of light for families to read by, to play boardgames by, to laugh and to love together and will be remembered fondly for years to come.

The Winter of the Tealights draws near, and those that have patiently waited out their confinement will see their time to shine.

Homeowner Susan Traherne said: “Apparently there are blackouts coming. I’ve gone online and ordered a shitload of scented candles.”

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From not straight to childless over 30: five sexualities Daily Mail readers don’t understand

THE modern world is place of diverse sexual orientations. Here are five that confuse and terrify Daily Mail readers.

Not straight

According to Daily Mail readers, humans are hardwired to be heterosexual and engage in joyless missionary sex a maximum of three times a month and on each partner’s birthday. How else do you think the species propagated? They’re begrudgingly aware that other sexualities exist but daren’t consider them acceptable because they might be tempted to experiment.

European

Europeans are the sworn enemies of Daily Mail readers, both in terms of politics and in the bedroom. This is due to them indulging in all sorts of sordid activities like French kissing, pre-marital sex and making women orgasm. Now Britain has left the EU the country is free to stick to its favourite kink: self loathing.

Harry and Meghan

Whatever two consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own homes is totally fine with a Daily Mail reader. Except for when a Royal is involved. At that point they raise concerns that totally ‘aren’t racist’ yet always seem to demonise Meghan, and then get furiously angry when the hounded couple decide to move to America.

Vegan

Everything about veganism baffles Daily Mail readers, including the fact it’s a dietary choice not a sexuality. It’s because they have always felt that oral sex is akin to a disgusting consumption of flesh, and therefore it’s hypocritical of vegans to enjoy it. They also think ‘pulled jackfruit’ is some kind of kinky sex reference, rather than a tropical fruit with a texture vaguely like pork.

Childless over 30

The most confusing of all sexualities to a Daily Mail reader. What could a woman over 30 without kids possibly expect to get out of life or contribute to society? She’ll have to spend the rest of her days with disposable income and free time while getting eight hours of undisturbed sleep every single night. Confusing at best, morally reprehensible at worst.

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