Middle-aged woman has been hiding tattoo from her parents since 1998

A WOMAN in her 40s is still hiding a tattoo she had done more than 20 years ago from her parents.

Emma Bradford had a butterfly inked on the back of her shoulder after getting wasted on her gap year in Thailand in 1998, but has kept it a secret from her mum and dad for fear of getting a huge bollocking.

Bradford said: “It was a spur of the moment thing after I’d consumed some questionable mushrooms at a full moon party. I loved it at the time but as I’ve aged it less resembles a butterfly and more an obese pigeon.

“It’s been an absolute pain in the arse to remember not to wear a strappy top when I see them, and I never swim on family holidays, but it’s better than mum getting furious and calling me a ‘council estate scutter’. She’s a massive snob.”

Mum Mary said: “Emma thinks we don’t know about her tattoo, but she’s forgetting all those Instagram holiday photos where she’s wearing a bikini and it’s clearly visible.

“We couldn’t give a monkey’s, especially since I had a sexy dragon tattooed on my hip during our second honeymoon. But it amuses us to keep her paranoid and worried.”

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F**king Brexit bastards determined to replicate the Blitz

THE idiot Brexit bastards who run our country will not be happy until they have replicated every aspect of life during World War Two.

As blackouts edge British life closer to the glory days when we were all huddling in shelters while being bombed by Jerry, Brexiters could not be happier.

Margaret Gerving, aged 82, said: “Power cuts. Marvellous. That’ll toughen up all them with their iPhones and fancy trainers.

“I like this inflation as well, means they can’t buy their Thai green currys and vegan burgers. Bring back food rationing. We’ll be eating turnip for tea and steaming a spotted dick for afters, and we’ll be happier.

“Soon we won’t be able to import anything. All the young men will be in factories melting railings to make shoddy substandard British goods, all the girls will be working the land, and abandoned children will roam the countryside in packs, like in Enid Blyton.

“We might be in underground stations for warmth rather than aerial bombardment, but they’ll ring with renditions of We’ll Meet Again and cries of ’Huzzah for the King!’ while people shiver in the dark. Wonderful.”

Norman Steele, aged 90, said: “All very well but can we leave off badmouthing Hitler this time? When all’s said and done he was a decent chap.”