Six films with extremely unerotic nudity

GREAT films have always featured naked cuties, but there are some nude scenes you’d like to permanently unsee, such as these:

Get Carter 

For some reason it’s rarely mentioned that Get Carter features Michael Caine starkers, albeit it in a grim Newcastle back-to-back and he’s threatening someone with a shotgun. More erotic fun follows in the form of a grainy underage porno starring Jack’s niece. Then Jack kills everyone. Maybe stick with Ryan Reynolds films to get your partner in the mood.


Not Malcolm McDowell’s finest hour. Whatever erotic value it has is drowned in a sea of bollocks. Long after you’ve forgotten the Penthouse Pets added later to boost sales, you’ll be puzzling over the ‘decapitation wall’, a huge stone wall with rotating blades at the base that trundles forward to lop off the heads of buried victims. Did the Romans have the technology for that? Wasn’t it a bit of a waste of resources? Did they even do a cost/benefit analysis?


Includes violent sex, an injured man ejaculating blood and a clitoridectomy, but the grimmest scene is the opening one. A couple is having sex. So far so good. Then the shagging is spliced with their toddler approaching an upstairs window and plunging to his death. Strangely, Lars von Trier has yet to win any ‘Feelgood Movie of the Year’ awards.

Flesh Gordon

Plenty of nudity in this 1974 spoof. However it’s all in cheap-looking space settings, which is incredibly distracting unless you’re a masturbator with a laser-like focus on tits and muff. It’s also not worth slogging through the unfunny comedy. Examples: ‘Flesh’ and Dale visit the planet Porno. Their rocket looks like a penis. Dr Hans Zarkov becomes Dr Hans Jerkoff. And so on. Probably hilarious if you’re 10, apart from the fact that you’ll be taken into care.


The swimming pool sex scene has been criticised before, but it’s worth emphasising just how bad it is. Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle McLachlan go at it frantically like a vat of cod being electrocuted, and even that’s too erotic a description. Imagine Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown having sex with a bucket of chicken guts and you’re nearer the mark.

Calendar Girls

Very little nudity but your imagination will fill in the blanks, which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how much you fancy Celia Imrie. What’s problematic about Calendar Girls is that it’s another twee, ‘quintessentially English’ film product, in the same way that someone is probably trying to get a Captain Tom movie off the ground. Still, there won’t be any nudity in that… will there?

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Truss confident she'll win back British public by killing Larry the cat

THE prime minister is sure she will win back the trust and support of voters by having Larry the cat put down, it has emerged.

Liz Truss believes that by making good on her commitment to cut wasteful spending and trim the state, she will persuade Britons of her competence once and for all.

A Number 10 spokesperson said: “Larry consumes two pouches of Whiskas Meaty Selection and a saucer of milk every day, the greedy bastard, and it soon adds up.

“By having him destroyed we can save about a tenner a week, an efficiency this country needs, which will be passed on to high wage earners. It’ll trickle down eventually, whatever that means.

“Also, I’ve been told to say that this has nothing to do with Larry snubbing Liz on the doorstep during a visit from the Danish prime minister. She definitely didn’t call him a ‘disrespectful anti-growth Marxist like the RSPB and Nadine sodding Dorries’ and try to kick him. Absolutely not.”

Voter Nikki Hollis said: “I can’t believe Liz Truss is idiotic enough to think getting rid of a pet cat will play well with a nation of animal lovers.

“Oh, hang on, actually. I can.”